Distractions

I had a good sob...2 days ago it was a month since the breakup. They say it gets easier, but I'm still waiting for that.

One thing I have done is kept busy, good grief! I have been out every single night for dinners and coffees and more dinners. I still feel a little empty, but as long as I keep moving and keep seeing my incredible friends, I'm OK.

I sat on my bed having a good sob about it being a month and then realised that next month will be 2 months, BUT I will be on a flight to Europe and I will most certainly be enjoying a good wine or 2 on the plane.

I've booked my airtickets and I'm going to be jetting off to Europe next month for 2 beautiful weeks. In fact, in exactly one month from today I will be experiencing Europe in the Summer for the first time. I've only ever been in Winter, where I tend to look like the Michelin man thanks to all the layers of jerseys and snow jackets.

I have 6 flights to 6 different airports in 2 weeks. A little crazy.

Special K and 4 other girlfriends are jetting off a few days before I can- it's a pity I can't fly there with them but they will be fetching me from Dubrovnik - all very Sex and The City style and then it's off to the most incredible villa we'll be staying it. It is on an island off of Croatia and apparently it is just absolutely BREATH TAKING.

In fact, let me just post some pictures from the website :)

Looks awful, hey?

After the 8 days with them, I will be flying to Switzerland to visit my family. I can't wait to spend some time with my gran. I hardly know her so I'm looking forward to finding out about my heritage and hearing the stories she has to offer about her experiences.

I really really need this break. I love travelling. I love experiencing the sounds, sights, cultures, music, dishes, people etc and I plan to take it all in.

I can't wait to be going overseas with my amazing girlfriends ... what amazing FUN we're going to have. Special K and I have never been overseas together so this is really special for us.

I'm grateful for the distraction - it gives me something to look forward to.

Speaking of distractions, there is a very gorgeous man that has been flirting with me and I think I have been flirting back. I say this because I am actually ridiculously bad at it and it probably isn't flirting at all. Still ... .

It's fun though...and a little weird, but nice. It is very innocent from my side.

The reality is, I still feel very heart sore but I know it will get better ... that's what everyone and every bloody cliche says.

I'm just going through the motions. I'm going out, I'm meeting new people all the time, I'm crying alot and I'm laughing too.

I'm certainly trying this Single Life on and while I feel very out of my depth, I have survived - with plenty of scrapes and bruises, yes, but my heart is still beating - even if it is a different beat.

Heart Broken

Heart broken. European Boy broke up with me and to be honest, I NEVER saw it coming.

We had what most people search for their whole lives and some never find it. We never stopped having fun together, never stopped laughing, we were supportive and kind and loving. Amazing chemistry, I can go on and on .... So where did it all go wrong?

I'm not entirely sure. Feel pretty shattered.

He says that he just can't make a relationship a priority and that he should have taken the time and space when he got out of his last serious relationship - he's been in one serious relationship since 19 (married at 21 and divorced at 25) and that he needs space ... that it's not fair I love him so much and make him my number 1 priority when he just can't make me his.... he says he just is not in the space where he knows who he is and what he wants in life and he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married again and that he'd be stringing me along.

The first thought and first question from most people is: Is there someone else?

And I can honestly say that it's a NO.

I think he is just incredibly confused and is throwing the best thing to ever happen to him away...

I deserve better.

I am strong, but I've taken it hard. Well, I have to carry on, put a smile on my face - can't exactly be weepy in the job I have ... and just be blessed that I have the most amazing friends and family :)

RIP

So yes Anonymous, my blog has become boring and has grown a fair amount of cobwebs, but shitloads has been happening. Twitter is easier. Just saying.

Yesterday was officially some "me time" ... something that I took for granted, never appreciated and now that I never get any, I miss it.
I finally had some time off, so I decided to go and get my hair done. Boy did it need it. My regrowth was so bad I was starting to look like Charlize Theron in Monster. I hate regrowth. It doesn't matter how clean your hair is; you still look like you haven't washed it in weeks. I sat in the chair excited for my hairdresser to make me blonde and beautiful. I love getting my hair done. I especially love my hair being washed and the head massages I get at the basin and on the chair for treatments. Pure Bliss. Why oh why though can I NEVER get my hair to look exactly the same as they did it? I buy the products they use, I have my life saving what-would-I-do-without-it ghd hair straightner and yet it never looks as sleek and professional?
Anyway...I'm just setting the scene. It's a Saturday, the salon is crazy busy and while I'm getting the head massage my phone starts to ring. I ignore it. I felt strange doing so and put it down o the fact that I'm not used to switching off and having "me time."
It rang again. I left it.

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore...my curiosity was strong and my gut feeling stronger. It was Special K.
Special K and I have a very strong bond. I have heard Oscar winning performances from her and it hasn't fooled me. I know when she is upset.
"Hi Blondie!"
"Hi. What's wrong?"
"Babe. I have some bad news. Are you sitting down?"
"Oh my God. What? You're freaking me out. What is it?"
She went on to tell me the news. I think the world stood still. Hair dryers became mute in my world, people froze in time and my heart sank.
A friend of ours had died that morning. The Cancer took our 32 year old amazing friend. He had fought for so long, had painful chemo sessions, operations and..... my heart broke. My heart broke even more for his fiance. I can't imagine what she must be going through.
We only find out a week prior that there was no hope anymore. That we would be lucky to have him in our lives until September. I have been battling with that news the whole week and to get that call from Special K broke me.
I could NOT stop crying at Jeauval. I felt mildly embarrassed because people were staring and mumbling to each other if I was OK. Strange how very few people came over to ask me. I could hear everyone talking and muttering, but it was like I had this invisible force field around me. Odd thing to notice too. I know.
They curled my hair and made me beautiful, but my face was red and blotchy with grey traces of mascara streaming down. My poor hairdresser gave me a serviette and a hug and I struggled to pull myself together.

I felt selfish too for internalizing this and making it about me....not entirely, but I hope you know what I mean when I say this.
It hit me really hard because he was diagnosed with the same cancer I was 3 months. The only difference? I caught mine early, had it cut out and now watch myself life a hawk. He was not so lucky.

RIP my wonderful, funny, warm, amazing friend. I really miss you and I wish I had more of an effort. 13 June 1977 - 01 August 2009.

It sucks that things like this highlight things that should NEVER be taken for granted. The special people in your life, life itself and always appreciating the things we have.

I don't really know what to say. I am crying typing this and I think I'm gonna stop now.

No Regrets

I didn't believe that I would ever write a post like this. Ever.

I say that because I don't think it's really sunk in yet.
These are words that I never thought I would ever say again. Here goes.

I. am. single.

After five and a half years, I have no regrets. I do feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest without anaesthetic.

I am crushed.

I know that it's over and that there is no turning back and I know that it is for the best, but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that or that it's any easier. It was amicable too. Again. This doesn't make it easier.

I have learnt (I always knew, really, but it's times like these that remind me to be grateful) that I have the most incredible support structure. My family is incredible and so giving, my friends have dropped everything to be by my side, complete with a bottle of wine and the person I work with has made me laugh and given me such encouragement that I wouldn't know how to get through work without him.

Each day at a time. It's not even 24 hours yet and yet I feel like it's been 24 years.