I'm a horrible person.

I don't know how long it's been since I was in my smash and grab...perhaps it was a month ago, longer, maybe??
I am still jumpy and neurotic when I approach a red traffic light, but I'm so much better than I used to be!

Last night I was driving home, the street lights were also out so it was darker than usual. I was aware as I approached the traffic lights and kept looking around me. I got one hell of a fright as I turned the other way and saw this man coming towards my car.
My. heart. stopped.

I looked straight into his eyes and had an obvious look of fear, panic and terror on my face.
He moved passed my car and the sudden jolt that he was just trying to cross the street to get to the taxi so he could go home, was a mixture of relief and unbelievable guilt.
The look on his face as he realised and saw what I had so obviously been thinking, has been tattoed into my memory.
He looked at me with such contempt and written all over his face was: I'm NOT a criminal.
He looked so insulted and so he should have been.

I have never felt so bad. I felt so guilty and terrible that it made me feel a little ill. I felt like the biggest racist. I'm not. Not in the slightest!
It bothered me that he looked at me like I was a typical white girl assuming that all black men are criminals.
Thing is, had I been smash and grabbed by another race, I would have had the same reaction if that race came walking by.
It has nothing to do with race, but I felt awful. Really, really awful.

I wish we lived in a safe country. We wouldn't live in fear, we wouldn't look at everyone so suspiciously and we would maybe be a lot less stressed.

On a happier note, I'm going to watch the Big Fat Mel Miller Comedy Show tonight at the Teatro at Monte Casino! I'm super excited. I really do need a good laugh!!

Post trauma and cocks... shuttlecocks.

I never thought I would be so affected by this. I am neurotic. No one can come near my car without me freaking out. I literally stop breathing and only let my breath out when they pass by. I have screamed at 2 guys who have dared come near my car. The one guy came right up to my car to give me those irritating little advertising flyers and I nearly had a heart attack and nearly got out my car to hit him!
I am NOT a violent person. I screamed so loudly, the dude nearly shat himself. Afterwards, I felt embarrassed that I had reacted so badly, but fuck that...it's bullshit this happened in the first place.
My hands tremble, clutching the steering wheel and even though my bag is now permanently in my boot, I still feel unsafe!
I have been getting some advice to go for trauma councelling. At first, I scoffed at the idea and immediately thought: Well, shit... I wasn't (God forbid/ Touch Wood) hi-jacked, raped, held up etc... a little smash and grab will be easy to deal with. See how bad our South African mentality is?
I'm going to contact someone tomorrow.

I'm working tonight. I'm petrified to drive home. I'll be ok. Well, that's what I keep telling myself. I am expecting 2 or 3 speeding fines and fines for going through red traffic lights. There is not a chance in hell that I'll be stopping (yes, I'll be cautious, yield and all that good stuff... I'm not going to be a blonde frantic woman screaming through red robots!)
Argh! I'm loving the way we have to live. I am a positive person and I LOVE South Africa, but unfortunately we have to be realistic.

I did have a relaxing long weekend though. I am also going to be letting a lot of women down by saying this: If I see another chocolate I may puke.
I have eaten worse than a pig ever could. I'm at the point where I'm craving veges. Woah!!!
I also played Badmington. Yes. Who knew it could actually make you stiff and sore the next day? I'm aching! I feel like I spent 24 hours in the gym.
It was also really awesome to shout out loudly and proudly: "Hit the cock!!" "Pass the cock!" and "Fuck this cock! I'm losing!"
Good times.