Girls Only.

I am bloated, super sensitive, having a fat ugly day, a bad hair day, I feel like I've re-entered puberty as far as the pimple zone goes and all of this because I'm PMSing.
Seriously. It's days like this that I let down the female team by saying: I hate being a woman. Sometimes.

Why do us woman have to go through so much shit. Periods, period cramps, giving birth, getting fat from that (I think guys should go through all the sympathy pains...their stomachs should swell-no the beer belly doesn't count, they should go through the pain etc...) we're more prone to bladder infections, we go through menopause etc...etc...etc....
It's rubbish. Absolute rubbish.
I feel like having a feet stomping temper tantrum, screaming into a pillow, having a good cry and then stuffing myself with chocolate.

Can you tell I'm in a bad mood?

In other news, I did go on a major shopping spree (OK, I do love being a woman.) It was a necessity because I needed new winter clothes. I don't know what happened to my winter things...did they get lost when I moved out of the ex? Are they stuck (by mistake) in storage with my kettle and cutlery?
I literally had a few coats and that was it. I got long sleeve shirts and tops, black pants, a fluffy robe and pair of slippers that I live in now. I don't actually want to leave the house and I find myself forcing myself to accept social invitations just in case I become one of those woman who never gets out of her pajamas and becomes severly obese.

I got 2 pairs of gorgeous black stilettos. 1 pair that has a pointed toe and 1 pair that has a rounded toe. Essential I tell you. OK, I told myself that, when I handed over my debit card for the hundredth time. I was surprised I didn't have blisters on my fingers from the number of times I had to punch in my PIN code.
Pay day (25th of each month) is a beautiful thing on the actual day and for the next 5 or 6 days. By the time the 1st of each month roles round I am broke again. Not entirely, but you get the idea.
However, I am still going to stand by the point that that shopping excursion was absolutely necessary. I can't be catching a cold now so that I wouldn't be able to work for the next salary. I needed those winter clothes...shoes, robes and slippers included. In my industry it's no work; no pay, so you see? Thank you Miss Excuses. You're much nicer than Mr. Murphy.

PS> I am starting to get alarmingly obsessed with vanilla tea. I use the word "alarmingly" because I find myself getting upset when restaurants don't serve vanilla tea. That isn't normal. I'm putting it down to the PMS week and will have to monitor myself closely the week after that. I'll keep you posted....or just keep checking the headlines for Crazy Girl arrested for assaulting Restaurant manager for not stocking Vanilla Tea.

Charity and Showers

So I received this email from my gorgeous sister. I know it's not original, but I'm feeling as original as....um... see? Can't even think of that! So...here it is! It made me wet my pants. Not literally, but nearly. Just saying.

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband alongthe way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique inthe mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sageshampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them ina pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her while making the woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub thewhole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass the wife, pulloff towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Like I said...nearly wee'd.

I am quite excited about tomorrow night. I do a lot of charity work and tomorrow night I am a part of Wow and Wags the proceeds will go to: FreeMe
I am being dressed by Story Design -an incredible designer and my Garden Terrorist and this post is being dressed by Doggie Hillfigher.
Exciting times!

Have a wicked weekend biatches!

It's called: DRIVING PROPERLY!

Right, so I know I sound like I go to the opening of an envelope. I really don't. It's just this time of the year. Promise. Besides, I know girls (socialites) who do go to the opening of an envelope and trust me, it's not a good rep to have.
So, with that said, in the silly season and all... I am going to the Sandton City Fashion Show tonight for the media for more champagne and fashion. As you do. I am excited...Blondie 2, Special K and I are going through!! :-) YAY!



I'm rather chuffed...I received an award! *Blush* Thank you ExMi!! You totally rock. Just saying.

I do not understand drivers. No seriously. It is a little rain. Not a plague of locusts. Is it necessary to slam on breaks and drive at the 30k mark when a few rain drops hit your windscreen? It's not even a full bloody rain storm. It's like the sky is thinking about opening the heavens...it's like the clouds sneezed and a few drops came down. It's not a full on thunderstorm. Good grief people. Get over yourselves. Now...on the flip side, I'm not saying that you need to drive like Speedy Gonzales when the rain really does belt down, but for heavens sake (pun intended...cos I'm really witty that way) DRIVE PEOPLE, or did you get your drivers license from a Checkers Lucky Packet?

There. I feel better. Well...I'll feel 100% better after I get this out.

I am on my way to a meeting today. There are two lanes on the road. One for me going to meeting...one for people going in the opposite direction. Ok...just in case anyone is unclear (as clearly this woman was.) one lane for me and one lane for you. There is a truck in my lane for construction. There is a construction worker with a red flag who has stopped the on coming traffic and is waving us on. So off I drive, around the monstrous truck. There are 3 cars in front of me. This stupid stupid stupid woman decides she's too good in her BMW (of course) to wait and turns into our lane to drive around the cars patiently waiting their turn.

I'm not quite sure what she wanted to achieve, because she blocked us and had no way to go...but as a result of her sudden movement into our lane, the two cars in front slammed on breaks, the car in front of me slammed on breaks and as I came around the truck (blind spot) I suddenly had to slam on breaks, hear that gorgeous rubber shriek of my tyres and bump straight into the car in front of me. Luckily I wasn't driving too fast and there's barely any damage but still. In the police report I had to state how fast I was going. Now...how is THIS for sadisitic? I was embarrassed to write there 20ks. I mean, at least make it good and be like 80 or something, but how revolting am I? The damage of the car AND me would have been horrible. Oh no...there's Blogshell embarrassed that I'd had an accident driving 20ks an hour. I am morbid. I know.

That's what SHE said!!

So I am pretty much exempt of all troubles until next August. I rock. Well he does now as the Rock Legend on Guitar Hero PS2 game. Hysterical. There he was sitting in his slippers rocking out to the TV and blaming the "stupid machine" when he missed a note.
Good times.
Tonight we hit Tanza Night for some fun, drinks and birthday celebrations. Yay.

There are just some questions you don't ask men. Even I know that.
I was chatting to a mate of mine on the balcony (he's a dude) and I just couldn't help laughing my panties off. Hilarious. I was laughing so hard because it was the exact conversation the man and I had last week. Almost word for word too.
Balcony dude: So, you went back to blonde! Nice. My wife wants to go back to blonde too.
Blondie: Oh really?
Balcony dude: She's been brunette for a year and half and wants to go back.
Blondie: Well, if you are blonde and you experiment, apparently you always go back.
Balcony dude: Ja, she wanted my opinion.
Blondie: And?
Balcony Dude: Well, it was difficult. I told her she looks gorgeous as a blonde.
Blondie: Uh-oh. I bet she looked at you like, "Oh, so what? For a year and a half I've looked like a troll?"
Balcony Dude: Oh my God? Were you spying? That's exactly what she said.
Blondie: Yup...I'm afraid it's a thing us women do. It's like asking you: "Does my ass look big in this?" So, what did you say?
Balcony Dude: I said that: "My baby, you look gorgeous no matter what colour your hair is!"
Blondie: Noooo!! That's what my man said! You guys really do have a book of 'sayings' don't ya?
Balcony Dude: Ja, but who ever wrote the 'Saying's for Men' book didn't have this one covered, because she then asked me, "Well? What do you prefer?"
Blondie: Ahhahahahaha...that's what I did!! Dude!

Men...damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Moral of the story? Best you keep trying!!

PS> I felt this incredible urge to use colour in this blog. Just thought you might like to know.