Saturday Night

I originally thought that my life was rather sad earlier on, but now I'm actually just grateful that I am sitting at home on a Saturday night.

I'm working really early tomorrow morning. In fact I just set my alarm clock for 04h30. Lovely.

I could have pulled an all nighter, but I've done that before and it killed me. Never again.

I visited Blondie 2 today complete with flowers and donuts. Actually the donuts weren't a planned thing, but bakery smells are one of my favourites and it lured me inside. It wasn't my fault. I promise. Handy though - nothing like fattening but delicious comfort food after an operation.

It has been Laguna Beach Weekend on MTV and the two of us cuddled up (I was petrified that I was going to move too vigorously and hurt her stitches) all day and watched the show. It actually irritated me so much but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the drama and just had to know if LC was going to get back together with Jason or not. Oh My God!

They are so bitchy, shallow and superficial, but it's so entertaining that you can't help yourself. It also made me feel normal, human and intelligent. OK fine, it also makes me a little jealous of their gorgeous clothes etc...but still...

One of the guys threw one of the girls a surprise birthday party and afterwards he said: "Not telling my best friend about her surprise party was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in.my.life! Oh my God!!"

Blondie 2 and I killed ourselves laughing. Dude. People are dying and starving and THAT was the hardest thing you've ever had to endure. Seriously deep.

Man it was fun.

I got home today, poured myself a glass of Amarula Cream on the rocks (I had a craving) and mom was making a traditional South African dish called Bobotie. I cannot remember the last time Bobotie was made... Years have gone by I think. I've never really been a big fan of the dish, but tonight I particularly enjoyed it.

I have been uploading photo's onto Facebook, twittering, blogging, googling...you know? Just an average Saturday night :-)

It's nice actually...being at home on a Saturday. Either I'm in denial or I'm getting older, because I don't think the 16 year old Blondie would have been too impressed with that...it's a decade later and I'm looking forward to getting into my pink pj's, snuggling in bed with a cup of hot vanilla tea and my book and having an early night.

Sweet dreams

x

Fat and Lazy weekend

I feel like a beached whale at the moment. I'm sure it's all in my head, but seriously. I feel fat.
I haven't set foot in the gym in over 3 weeks. I went to Knysna and obviously the cute idea that I had of running on the beach every morning was laughable. Then I returned back to Joburg in a mini skirt and slops...that was like landing in the Antarctic dressed for Mauritius. It resulted in a change of weather cold that came to bite me in the nasal passages last week, so no gym for me either. This week I still haven't felt hundreds and have had early meetings every morning which has messed up any routine Sugar and I enjoyed. The worrying factor is that the longer you stay away from gym; the easier it is to get into that routine. Oh no. Having a new man is motivation actually. No one wants to see jiggly bits or dimples in the wrong places.
Seriously. Monday morning is going to be my new start... I'm going to get focused and sweat my ass/tummy off. Literally.
Oh and the colder it gets, the further away I am from choosing a salad for lunch. Bring me hot chocolate, warm stews and warm comfort food. This is really not helping.

It's the weekend and I have no plans. It's weird actually. I know what I'm doing on Sunday morning...I'm working. I know that tomorrow I am going to visit Blondie 2...she went in for an operation so I'm going to bring her flowers and sit with her while the painkillers set in.
Poor thing.
Other than that, however, I have nothing on. It's really nice actually.

I hope you have a brilliant weekend.
xx

It's the weekend baby!!

Onwards and Upwards completely. Thank you for your loving, suportive words!

I am not going to be a little pity party and life does go on... So I'm being positive and kind of ignoring it. Perhaps it's weird for some people, but it's my coping mechanism right now. I'm not sweeping anything under the carpet, but I just don't want to curl into a mess of a ball.

Today I had my make-up done for a TV shoot. I find it super relaxing having make up done. I would go as far as saying that I sometimes prefer it to a massage. Sacriledge I'm sure. I'm kinda glad the face is done because tonight I plan to have a party. Shit, why not? I need to knock back a cosmo or two and just enjoy myself with my friends Sugar, Special K and EB. I'm really looking forward to it and even bought a dress for the occasion. A dress that's not black. Another first. It's this deep purple colour and it's sexy. Yes!!

I also went underwear shopping today. I decided that the boring cotton undies and t-shirt bras are just not going to cut it anymore. I'm over being boring and being single certainly has given me something to think about. Even if no one sees it, I want to know that sexy lace is going on underneath my jeans and t-shirt. I bought a wonderbra that is so WONDERful I can't believe I never had one before. Yes. I am apparently slow. If I say so myself with the wonderful work that is Wonderbra...these puppies are swell. Excuse the pun.
Anyway, so you know it's bad when the lady at the underwear store remembers me and says: "Eish! It's been looong neh?"
Um. Great. Thanks for the update and for remembering. That isn't uncomfortable at all. WTF?
She even threw in a pair of panties with a wink. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Have a wicked weekend xx

Friday the 13th

I raced through to meet up with European Boy last night. I hate being late and I had traffic and timing against me. Everyone should see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Fantastic movie. And yes. I watched the movie.... Really.
I've found a great little spot for after-movie wine. Found it with Sugar and shared it with E.B.
We sat drinking wine and laughing. I seem to be laughing a lot lately and I'm loving it. I also did a fair amount of blushing. I really would love to remove whatever it is that makes me blush. Apparently there is a tablet you can take for it. I'm good...for now.
It was a great night and I can't wait to do it again. Too much fun right now!

Today has been a good day... I got rid of any post wine headache at yoga. My mom finally managed to drag me with her today. It's my first time trying yoga and I really enjoyed it even if I felt like a retard most of the time. How is it possible that women who are older than my grandmother in Switzerland can wrap their ankles around their necks while breathing calmly? I didn't see one person over weight though...that's excellent news.

I am so stuffed at the moment... My department went out for lunch today and we over indulged on Indian food. Good grief it was "more-ish" and we all picked off each others plates. Had a little bit of everything...and stayed clear of Vindaloo... the last three letters are quite telling apparently.
I have had two glasses of red wine so work this afternoon is going to be fun... It would certainly explain my spontaneous shopping spree staright afterwards. Why can't I just walk into a store and purchase what I set out to get? I arrived to get my turquoise necklace I ordered and walked out with earrings, make-up, two dresses and a pair of leather leggings...I'm unstoppable!



Normally my Friday the 13th's are average. Neither lucky nor unlucky. Today, I've just been in a really good mood. It's weird to think that today is 2 months since I walked out on the ex. How amazing life is now. I don't mean that with any disrespect but I have to be honest.

I'm looking forward to this weekend...should be interesting. That's all I'm saying. For now.

Have a great one!

Inspiration comes in all forms

I am completely dead from gym. Spinning yesterday and now an hour today that consisted of cardio and weights.
Yesterday's spinning class was certainly guilt ridden. Sugar and I arrived early to get a bike, adjust it and so forth. The instructor had her back to us (she was new.) I am quite funny about trainers/instructors etc. I once went to an aerobics class where the instructor was such a fatty that it was off putting. Don't be shouting out: "1, 2, 3, 4" and make us sweat our asses off when you look like that. I want you to be my inspiration, not make me feel hopeless.
Anyway, so there was our new instructor wearing cycle shorts. Now, at the risk of sounding funny...she was skinny, had lovely legs, toned arms etc. Perfect and inspiring.
She finally turned around and I could not believe my eyes. Perfect little body with a 7 month stomach. I have never felt so guilty. She's pregnant, taking a spinning class and there I am huffing and puffing away with a tummy that has no excuse, really. Now that was inspiration.
She killed us.
So today I am walking really strangely and look like an 86 year old, not a 26 year old.

My weekend consists of:
A movie tonight...going to watch He's Just NOT That Into You. I've been dying to see this movie! I have the book, but I've never finished reading it and I think it can certainly help in a lot of areas - haha!
Pilates tomorrow.
I'm hoping to go to the A1 GP, but the verdict is still out on that one.
I'm going to a launch on Saturday evening and possibly jolling afterwards.
Sunday...gym (missed Mon and Tues) so Sugar and I are determined to make our 5 x a week schedule. I have a goal and I'm sticking to it, for once and for all.
Oh yes...and I have a coffee with Europe Boy. We shall see though... I don't really know what to think actually... um... My mates are telling me go, but I don't know if I should. I met him at a friends birthday very briefly and was pleasantly surprised to get an email from him on Monday. Why not, right?
Have a good one!! xx

Weekend anyone?

Good grief. I um...don't have words about this weekend. Seriously. It was completely out of character and manic. In fact even that description is tame.

I feel exhausted.

Friday night was um... Oh God. Where to start. So it all started off rather lovely...we went to a divine restaurant and had dinner and cocktails, like civilised human beings. Afterwards, we hit FTV Cedar. It was all lovely until coffee tequila reared it's ugly head. Oh. My. God.
It went completely pear shaped from there. Blondie 2 decided it would be "fun" to waterski though the fountain. As you do. "Weirdly" enough, she ended up falling on her ass and ended up at Olivedale Clinic.
She is now in a sling and it's not broken, but I personally think she needs a second opinion.
Anyway...I wasn't in my car (this NEVER ends well - at the time it makes sense to go in one car but at the end of the evening, I always curse that decision because I can't leave when I'm ready...I always say that I'll never do that again and what happens? It happens again.) so I couldn't even be at the hospital for her.
We were all supposed to go to the Meat Market called Billy the B.U.M.S.
I really am not a huge fan of this place.
Seriously. Men are just revolting. I know I shouldn't be surprised considering that I was at BB's but still....c'mon.
Is there some sort of perception that because it's Fourways/Sandton, all girls are gold diggers and impressed with your fancy schmancy car and monthly salary?
Seriously?
Right, so there I am sitting at a table (tired from dancing, you see?) when this guy comes up to Sugar and I.
"Hey there. I earn R30 000 a month, you girls should respect me."
"Pardon?"
He repeats this with extra emphasis on the "should".
"Oh. My. God. I just have to have your babies now! You must be an amazing man." I swooned.
He flashes a grin and decides that my sarcasm is a green light for him to sidle up next to me.
Dude.
His friend then joins us almost immediately and starts talking about his SLK Mercedes.
Later on, after a few more jaegerbombs and room spins I had this guy leer at me, burn me with a cigarette from his actions and try and pull in for a kiss. I turned my head and pushed him away. He then couldn't understand why I was the one being rude.
Oh yes. Baby oh baby. Please can I have some drunk, disgusting, sweaty man leer at me for a kiss.
I mean, after all... I don't even know what your salary is.

Sugar and I were feeling horribly drunk and I still had to fetch my car. So.
This wasn't embarrassing at all.
I had to call my parents at...wait for it....5am. Now. I love the fact that I let my hair down, but um. 5am?
That is NOT a Bondie thing to do. It really is completely out of character. 3am is doable every once in a while (seriously...every ONCE in a while) but 5am AND calling my folks. If I am going to do a big night, that's all fine by me but without the folks knowing about it.
It gave a whole new meaning to drunk dialling.

So. My dad and my sister came to collect me and then we went to fetch my car (my sister drove it home for me.)

Fabulous. It was terribly sweet but if I could have avoided that I would have.

I slept the entire day, felt very sorry for myself and then drove through to fetch Blondie 2 who was going to be sleeping at me so that we could get an early start on Sunday.
It was hilarious though considering that we all take having two hands for granted. I had to cut her burger into four so that she could pick it up with her one hand and eat it and I had to help her with her bra. No weird thoughts boys.

Sunday was Moving Day. It was weird going through all my things and packing them into boxes. My dad had hired a trailer for all my furniture and Sugar, Blondie 2 and I went through cupboards, drawers and every room figuring out what was mine, what I was keeping and what I was chucking.
I couldn't have done it without them and we made it "fun" by pretending we were on The Style Network's "Clean House" show. We would actually make a good team and I reckon it would be a good TV show! The SA Version! Hahaha!!
Afterwards, we decided we needed a drink. A stiff one. We went to Lonehill Capello's. It was pretty dead, which was suprising considering it was the Sunday Hang Out once upon a time!

These two boys came to us and asked us if the two empty chairs were available. The way they asked it, was as if they needed the chairs to move to a table they were sitting at. As soon as I said, "Not at all" they sat down. Um. OK.
They spent the time just complimenting us on our shoes, hair and dresses.

I found the humour in the fact that on Friday night I had been hit on by revolting men and on Sunday night I was being "hit on" by Gay Boys.

Lovely.

Chapters in my life

This weekend involves:

Dinner tonight at a very beautiful, trendy restaurant.
Pilates.
A birthday party, where I am going to wear a new dress I bought and team it with my suicidal stilettos and dance the night away with my mates.

and then...

I'm moving all my furniture out on Sunday and I have all my mates and family coming to help me. I'm going to need a stiff drink or three afterwards, so the deal is that once we've moved and put my things into storage, we're going to go out and slurp cocktails.... they'll certainly symbolize the end of a chapter and the start of a new one.
I'm feelin OK about Sunday...but I don't know how brave I'll be on the actual day. Thank GOD for Special K, Blondie 2, Sugar, mom, dad and my sister who are going to be there!

I have received a few messages from someone and they have made me smile. It's good to know there is life after "death" :-)

I'm PHAT!

I had one of the best weekends. I'd like to say that I partied it up VIP style until I pissed champagne, but instead I didn't move. Ok wait, I did but only for three reasons.
1. To go to the loo.

2. To go to the fridge.

3. To collect deliveries of health food.

I was exhausted on Friday - well, you read below so I got home and chilled. I watched TV and finally dragged myself to bed. On Saturday morning, I showered and instead of getting dressed, I got back into my pajamas. I can't remember the last time I did that!
I didn't get out of my pajama's until Sunday evening, when I showered and then put a new pair on. Lovely. I literally sat on the couch, alternating between writing on my laptop and watching the idiot box I lovingly call the TV.
Honestly, it was just the best. No make-up, no hair products and pure laziness. God it felt good.

I received an email from a pseudonym [of course] and it hit a nerve. It really, really did. I probably shouldn't be sharing this (considering that some of you know who I am) but I have had it and my blog is my place to vent. I just need to get this out!

The email basically says (in a nutshell - because it's a few paragraphs) that they can't understand how I'm in the industry I'm in when I am not "fat" but chubby. I'm not a good role model to women who want to get into this industry and blah blah blah blah.
{It did go on to say that they love my work and that they think I'm a natural talent etc...
Um...Thank you for the backhanded compliment then .}

I am fucking hurt. I should just shrug it off, have a good laugh (maybe a little cry) and then go about my merry way.

Let me set the record straight.

I have been diagnosed with sugar intolerance. I am border line diabetic and am doing my best to not become diabetic. Basically my body doesn't know what to do with sugar and instead of turning it into energy, it turns it into fat. I am left feeling lethargic and I'm left gaining weight.
I am not obese. I am just not your skinny size 0 and quite frankly I would never want to be.

Yes. I am in an industry that is image conscience. Um...I've been in it for a few years now so that would make me well aware. I am in this industry because I love entertaining. I cannot begin to explain how much I love what I do and I can't imagine doing anything outside of the industry. I get so excited to go in, do a good job and see how I can improve myself every.single.day!
The fact that it puts me in the public is rather overwhelming for me and I don't really understand it. My man once summed it up beautifully: "This is not Hollywood. We don't have celebrities, but we do have public profiles whether you/we like it or not."

A role model? No pressure. Don't you think a role model would be someone healthy, who has goals and is hard working and ambitious? I don't quite understand...are you saying that I'm not a role model because I'm not stick thin? Well in that case. Thank God!
If you're going to use loaded words like "Role Model", well then, I'd rather be a role model for young women who want to make something of themselves regardless of how they look. I'd like young women to look at me and think: I, too can do it! I too, can dream and have those dreams come true and I don't have to look a certain way!

It is devastating to me because I have put on several kgs and I can't quite seem to fit into clothes I used to. I'm a woman and I am personally very sensitive to this. Ask one woman if weight has ever been a hang up. 99% of women have hang ups about their weight, even Heidi Klum.
Has it hurt my self esteem? Yes. Not drastically but I. am. human. Trust me, I'd love to be the size I was and I'm working at it. Weight gain is quick...weight loss takes effort and it takes time if you want it to be healthy and stay off.
It's not great hanging around skinny girls at these functions feeling like a frump, but I'll never let my weight define who I am as a person.

I am irritated that I have never had to watch what I eat...perhaps to my detriment later on in life considering I have been diagnosed with this condition; and now I am having to. I am not used to having to make a concerted effort watching what I put in my mouth and it has been a bit of a shock. I struggle with it and it is a constant battle considering that I could be the President of the Sweet Tooth Society. No more sweets, chocolate, sugar, bread and so on...

Am I making an effort though? Hell yes! I want to be healthy and I want to do my best to prevent diabetes.
I am working my ass off in gym (boxing) and I am starting pilates/yoga.

I don't need to explain myself (after all of this) but I have had it. I'm tired of being called a Blob by tabloids. Fuck off. I am a person who has feelings.
Quite frankly this email has been the most judgemental, uneducated email I have probably ever received. It hurt me to the core.
I didn't respond. In these cases: "The best response is no response" - more advice from my man

This is a stupid post but it has made me feel better. I'll probably delete it tomorrow afternoon.

Oh and I've lost 4kgs so far, so bite me!

End. Now.

I'm talking about this day.
I'm in a foul mood. I'm not a moody person either, so you must know.
Let's start. I woke up this morning and for some reason the normal morning person that I am seemed to disappear. I woke up feeling moody and absolutely shattered. I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night too so there is no proper reason. I am however, feeling the end of year and the exhaustion has hit me.
I also continued reading the Mushy Peas on Toast book and I am now officially on page 133. I cannot put it down.

I finally realised how lazy I was being (total slob actually; considering it was midday) and got up to make myself some tea. I went down to find my very own Mary Poppins (our domestic worker) standing outside with her arms folded and a sad look on her face.
Now last week, I had left R800 in an envelope on my coffee table for a payment that needed to be made. When I came the next afternoon to get the envelope, it was gone. I looked everywhere and it hasn't turned up yet. I casually asked MP if she had put the envelope that was on the coffee table anywhere. She has a tendency to bunch things together or put things in piles or move things all together. I once found our cell phone chargers tangled together in my underwear drawer..so she has a tendency to do things like this. It didn't occur to me that she had taken it. This is a woman who once phoned me to tell me she had eaten 3 Marie Biscuits from the packet. She is incredibly honest and sure, there are only 2 of us and MP so it has to be in the house somewhere.
I asked her if she had put the envelope of money somewhere or if she knew where it was. She said she hadn't. I asked her if she was sure and then continued to look myself.
Apparently she thought I was accusing her of being a thief and she was very unhappy. She started crying and I was completely perplexed. Um...
I had to calm her down and tell her that I hadn't accused her, I was merely asking if she had put it somewhere else like she does with my post, my necklaces and earrings, my chargers, my car keys etc...
She was so upset because she thought that we were cross with her and she didn't want us to think that she had taken it. So I had to reassure her and she assured me that she would look thoroughly.
I know I'm going to sound like an insensitive bitch right now, but
a) I wasn't in the mood for this.
b) I don't know how money can disappear when it is only my man and I, but I know deep down she didn't take it.
She's a sensitive little Mary Poppins, that's for sure. I felt even more exhausted after that.

I then realised that I had to go to the bank before they close. Yay. My favourite.
I rushed off and strangely enough had to stand in long, winding queues. I was getting annoyed because people clearly don't use deodorant and I couldn't breathe, this woman in front of me kept chewing a large piece of chewing gum really loudly. She kept smacking it with her lips and popping it with her teeth. I wanted to smack her on the lips and make her teeth fall out. Nicely.
I finally got the front of the queue to deposit and draw and they told me that I was going to have to go to that queue over there. I looked at where this woman was pointing and felt my heart sink. That queue was double the queue I had just been sitting in. I finally got to the front of that one and there was a problem with something or other and I was going to have to come back tomorrow. I burst into tears. I actually couldn't believe it and had one of those out of body moments where I was looking back at myself saying: "Oh my God. You are crying and you're not even being discreet. Jesus. People are staring at you. Oh shit - look at you...you're blubbering now. Why are you crying anyway?"
Thing was, the more I knew I should hold in my exhaustion and frustration, the more I couldn't hold back the tears. The poor Indian man looked at me with absolute horror. He handed me a tissue and I blew my nose too. I am not dainty when I blow my nose. I sound like an elephant on heat mating a fog horn. It's totally unfeminine, really loud and attention grabbing (not in the good way.)
The worst part? Having to hold my puffy, red head held high as I walked out of the bank and feeling the heat on my back as everyone stared after me.

I got to the office and got a call from the same Indian man, apparently I left my bank card there too and he's not working this weekend. I told him to leave it with someone reliable and I would be back to get it tomorrow. Awesome.

This weekend had better be lovely. I hate being moody and quite frankly, I don't know what's going on.

PS> I did have a good laugh just now.
"A" (who loves her blind pug and who I'm going to call Camera Girl considering she is most likely going to feature a lot. She's too funny not to.) was in the middle of a sentence when she stopped and said:
"Fuck. Sorry. Your eyes look just like beer bottles."
"What??"
"No...I mean...I've just never realised it, but they're the colour of a brown beer bottle...it's really pretty! No seriously! That clear, pretty, sparkly brown beer bottle colour."
"Like a Castle?"
"Ja. It's a good thing."
"Um..."

Sssshh...

The weekend was helluva eventful - I had the best time! I laughed and drank and ate. Boy did I eat. I'll have to blog about that a little later because it was, like I said, eventful.

Right so, I have been feeling a little demotivated and well, to be totally honest completely and utterly flat. Yes, it's this time of the year and yes I need a holiday (I think I've stressed the last point enough) but I've been feeling really down. I'm just finished and tired and demotivated. I find myself feeling this at this time of the year purely because it always makes me evaluate my life. I look back and think either: "Great year!"; "Gosh, it's been sweet and sour!" or I think "Good grief. End already."
It's been sweet and sour for me this year. It also makes me think about where I am going, what I am doing and what opportunities are around the corner for me to either create or sieze.
So, with that said, I figured I could either wallow in self pity or do something to get myself out of the negative space.
Anyways, I know some of you sceptics are going to roll your eyes, but hear me out.

I decided to pop The Secret DVD on this morning and watch it. For some personal reason, this always makes me feel better and makes me feel like I can create my own destiny, opportunities etc and just makes me feel motivated again. I started writing down everything that I am grateful for and what my goals are.
I was in the middle of watching the DVD and writing my list when I had to pause it to answer my phone.
It was a good friend/colleague of mine who gave me some incredible news. I have an audition tomorrow for something that has been a dream of mine since 15 - in fact when I was getting into the industry I stated that I would absolutely LOVE to do XYZ.
I now have an opportunity to go for it. Dude. I am so utterly excited and yet at the same time I really don't want to jinx anything.
I was just freaked out and had goosebumps because it was really strange considering the circumstances. I know, right? You damned sceptics! I know you're thinking it's like one of those bogus emails of: send this to 203 of your friends and in 4 hours your wish will come true...but dude...goosebumps. Oh well, I was chuffed and weirdly enough, I'm feeling a lot better too! LOL


Cross all things crossable please! No. Seriously. Grab a Troll, a four leaf clover, whatever and any other good luck charms you have lying around and send them my way!

Charity and Showers

So I received this email from my gorgeous sister. I know it's not original, but I'm feeling as original as....um... see? Can't even think of that! So...here it is! It made me wet my pants. Not literally, but nearly. Just saying.

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband alongthe way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique inthe mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sageshampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them ina pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her while making the woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub thewhole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass the wife, pulloff towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Like I said...nearly wee'd.

I am quite excited about tomorrow night. I do a lot of charity work and tomorrow night I am a part of Wow and Wags the proceeds will go to: FreeMe
I am being dressed by Story Design -an incredible designer and my Garden Terrorist and this post is being dressed by Doggie Hillfigher.
Exciting times!

Have a wicked weekend biatches!

Saturday Night...

Dude...my weekend was totally insane!! The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Launch was well, um...sexy!
It's just NOT FAIR. No honestly. I know I'm going to sound like such a chick now, but how is it possible for one human being to be that tall and toned with a button nose, piercing eyes, gorgeous hair and not a pimple or dimple in sight?
Wait. I sound like I'm perving. OK wait...this is the "chick" part. I was literally looking for flaws. I was looking and looking and I'm sure I must have looked rather bitchy, but I was gobsmacked. No fair; no fair!
I was utterly exhausted and got home at midnight. Blondie 2 stayed over in the spare bedroom that I'm convinced is haunted. Another story for another day.

Saturday was the day I MC'd for 7 hours and to be honest, I had such a jol! I was exhausted at first, but there is something about 6000+ people all screaming and whistling at you that can perk you up quite a bit. Just saying.

Right, so I'm getting to the good part! SATURDAY NIGHT! Blondie 2 and Special K came over to my crib (because I'm ghetto like that) and we did something so High School and I loved it! We got ready, we did each others make-up, helped with hair and took photo's. As you do.
We were getting ready for Daddy Long Legs Birthday Party. We weren't quite sure how "sober" he would be considering he had been on a pub crawl from 10am; so we were figuring we'd have a party anyway.
We arrived in the pouring rain and managed to hobble (quickly) through the puddles in stiletto's to the venue. We were right, he was a mad/glazed-eyed man who was dancing with anything that moved or didn't move, as the cleaners broom stick got to discover.
We danced, downed shooters and laughed the whole night long. I was having a swell time until it was my turn to go to the bar and get a round of drinks. A guy in a red shirt came up behind me and started dancing with my back...No. Grinding his stiffy into my back. It was horrifying. I turned around but he had moved onto his next victim with his "I can't quite see you, but you must be woman" look.
Two hours later, it was my turn again. I went to the bar and stood next to someone I haven't seen in ages! So there I am, chatting away when I feel some wet splashes on my leg. I didn't think anything of it because I had heard a glass drop. The next second, I feel a LOT more liquid on my leg travel straight into my shoe. I whip around to see Red Shirt guy keeled over the bar vomitting his guts out. Well. I have never been so repulsed. The bouncers removed him and I spent 15 minutes in the bathroom, emptying my shoe out and cleaning my leg, wretching from the smell.
I promptly sprayed half a bottle of Michael Kors onto my leg and went back to party.

At about 02h30, we all piled back into Special K's car and went in search of pies. The first garage we stopped at only had 2 and none of us were feeling charitable enough to share; so we moved on.
At the next Sasol garage we found 3 pies waiting for us, I mean they literally had our names on them. Instead of eating and driving (it's sooo dangerous!); we found a small table with two chairs on them. Special K and Blondie plonked their asses down and left me to sit on the ice-cream drawer. I like to think I was freezing my assets.
So, we're pretty "happy" - a lovely warm alcohol glow stuffing our pie holes with, well, pies when our victim arrived.
At this stage, we are pretty fucking hilarious. Blondie 2 goes up to him (he's buying a Fanta) and decides to be one of those sales woman that irritate the shit out of you in the supermarket.
She walked up behind him, picks up a box of washing powder and proceeds to be a cheesy salesman.
Mr. I Have No Funny Bone says to her: "I don't think you're very funny! I mean no girls should be eating pies at 3am!"
Say what? Oh no he didn't! (Ghetto Blondie is da bomb!)
Well, all 3 of us mature girls starting hucking him. Eventually Blondie 2 put the washing powder and handed him a box of Brooklax. Priceless.
I nearly wet myself.

Ah, the good times!!!

What weekend??

My week has been hectic as far as work is concerned and weird working hours, but the real chaos starts today.
I have sound check for a corporate function I’m MC-ing tomorrow, later on today; I have to be on the other side of Joburg to do 2 voice overs and then fly back to work. All of this needs to be done within a space of 2 hours today.

After work, it’s the standard get-ready-in-the-office-bathrooms for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Edition Launch Party – sheesh, this was more of a mouthful than most models can consume. ;-) Couldn’t resist. Sorry.
As excited as I am to party, I really must say that standing next to bronzed, silky, skinny, cellulite and stretch mark free, “we-basically-produce-our-own powder-on-our-perfect-faces-because-we-never-shine” models; rates right up there with, um...I don’t know... glass gargling.

So that means I now have to make sure I go for the “uber glam, stylish, sexy, what this old thing? I haven’t tried too hard” look. Blondie 2 and I have to go – it’s a compulsory work thing. We’re going to sip on champagne and tell each other how amazing we look and that if Sports Illustrated ever had to do a Real Woman Swimsuit Issue, we’d be their first 2 picks. We would. Give me another glass of champers. We’ll talk about how boring it must be to look in the mirror every day and just look that gorgeous. How annoying it must be to walk around giving men whiplash.
Yawn. How boring. ;-)

I then need to be up early on Saturday morning, make sure I look like a million rand...no dollars...no euros, and head down to the corporate function. It starts in the morning and ends in the afternoon. Tomorrow night Daddy Long Leg’s is having his birthday party. I have two words. Raucous Fun.
On Sunday I get to have a slight lie-in before I go off to MC a charity function for Breast Cancer.

See? Like I said, my busiest time. I figured out how to explain it. It’s like getting on a rollercoaster. It’s exciting and thrilling but there’s no end to it and you wanna get off. Immediately.
I know I sound like I’m complaining. It’s not that I’m not enjoying what I’m doing or grateful for the amount of work pouring in, I just need a holiday. How many times can I type this in one post? Dude!
You’ll totally understand when I tell you this.
I had a break for 10 days in January 2008. I haven’t had a day off this year (other than sick leave and that DEFINITELY doesn’t count) and the last holiday I had before the 10 days in January?
2 years ago. Basically, I have had a 10 day holiday in 3 years.
See why I’m being such a crabby bitch?

Birthdays. X3

Gosh I’ve been lazy. In every respect. I’ve been lazy on my blog, at work( well, ok, not with that) and even with going out. I have been the laziest this weekend. I don’t think I’ve got out of my pajama’s unless I’ve really really had to. DVD’s, take-out and not an ounce of alcohol. It’s been nice. Nice and relaxed.
I think my body has had enough. I think it’s really just gone on strike and not in the sick way, but in the “if you want to do anthing; you’re really going to have to put some effort in to move me” kind of way.
It’s a good thing because the week I have ahead is insanely busy. It starts Monday morning and only really slows down on Thursday.

I’ve decided I need new friends. I’ve told them as much, too :-)

Good grief. 3 of my closest friends are born within a few days of each other. I have a triple whammy of birthday’s, birthday cake, birthday parties and birthday presents. Seriously. Blondie 2’s birthday is on Tuesday, Special K’s birthday is on Sunday and Zob’s birthday is on the Monday.
I’ve told them that I’m “losing their numbers” until the 07 October. They think I’m kidding.
All 3 girls are so similiar and so different at the same time. To try and find 3 different birthday gifts that are thoughtful, special and unique to their personalities is a challenge and with the week I have, I’m not sure when I’m going to get this right.

I absolutely adore giving gifts. There is nothing better that putting in a lot of effort in order to find something that they will love and then watching their faces as they open up the carefully wrapped gift. It is my best!
I hardly ever give gift vouchers. I need to find something that I know they’ll adore, that will make their faces light up and will make them feel like a princess on their special day.
I love gift wrapping too. Man, you should see me at Christmas. I am insane.
There is nothing worse than putting effort in and seeing someone half heartedly look at the gift and mumble a “Thanks.”
I know a few people like that. They get gift vouchers.

The man always teases me. The only reason you like buying gifts is so that you can buy something for yourself.
What? I. do. not.
Oh yes you do. What about JB? You bought her one of those fancy handbags, whatchacallit, and you bought one for yourself too.
It’s called Nine West and that was a coincidence.
You bought Special K something last year, I can’t remember, and you bought the same thing for yourself in another colour and you always buy your sister what you would ultimately like.
Gasp! I. Don’t!
You do. Face it.

Does this make me selfish? I guess I do buy some things. SOME things that I would like, but only because I know that we’re very similiar and that she would love it too. The logic is this. If I love it; she’ll love it.
We’re friends and therefore we have a lot in common.
Good grief. Maybe I am a selfish buyer...but I DO put a lot of effort into gifts to the unique person and shopping for gifts allows me to shop with a purpose. If I had to buy these sorts of things for myself, just because, I’d feel too guilty.
Shopping for someone else allows me to look at things I ordinarily wouldn’t look at and so I get a few things for myself too. I’m there. Might as well!

Are you buying this?*

Have I convince you or myself?

*Excuse the pun. Oh I amuse myself.

PS> Note to self: Self, get your ass into the boxing gym. You’ve been slack! Enough.

Schizophrenic Blondie... The comedian.

The weather is weird. It's been sunny with freezing wind. Did Mother Nature not get the memo? It's SPRING!
I must admit though, I haven't seen a crisper morning. It's beautiful. I'm sitting on my balcony looking out into the distance. The buildings and trees actually have outlines. There's no blurry haze or smog. It's lovely.

I had a seriously chilled weekend. It was awesome. Lots of braai meat and lots of wine. Sunday was couch potato day. I didn't get out of my pajama's until this morning. In fact, this weekend was so chilled, I was actually boring.
Boring was welcomed into my life with open arms. I embraced it lovingly, but I don't want it hanging around me too much.

Right so, I am interviewing a few comedians this week. Honestly, I'm dreading it. I'm dreading it because I don't know what comes over me. I'll be introduced to the comedian and I automatically become hilarious. I think so anyway. I have no idea why I do this. I am NOT a comedian and yet I suddenly start practising "material" on them. Oh my God, it's is mortifying.
I actually have screaming matches in my head.
Blondie: Shut the fuck up. You. are. not. funny. What is wrong with you?
Blogshell: Hahahahahhaha - oooh wait, let me say this. That will make them drop to the floor in hysteria.
Blondie: Oh my God! You are embarrassing yourself. Seriously. Shut up. Stop moving your tongue. Get on with it.
Blogshell to comedian: So, I have a joke for you..
Blondie interrupts: Seriously? You're not doing this! I can't take another minute of this. Pleeeease!! Stop!
Blogshell, ignoring inner voice: So, 2 snowman are walking in a field. The one snowman says to the other: Dude, you're right! I can also smell carrots! Wahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaha!!!!
Blondie: I officially divorce myself from you.

The worst part? I kill myself laughing at my own jokes. They're horrible jokes and ironically I only ever remember the horribly BAD ones. I can't remember "cool, awesome, wow -you have-the-best-sense-of-humour-and-you're-such-a-funny-joke-teller" jokes. Noooo. I remember the horrible, cringe worthy ones.
When I say I kill myself laughing...I literally wipe away the tears.
I don't know why I do this when I can visibly see the comedians looking at me and their agents/posse nervously with the look: Did she just escape from a mental asylum?
I cringe at myself, but I am unstoppable!

P.S

I am so excited I can't seem to slow my heart rate. I can't sit still and I have this unbelievable urge to jump up and down and flap my hands about. Very girly. I know.

I just got confirmation that I am doing a TV shoot this weekend. Man oh man. I cannot wait!
This is super!