Heart Broken

Heart broken. European Boy broke up with me and to be honest, I NEVER saw it coming.

We had what most people search for their whole lives and some never find it. We never stopped having fun together, never stopped laughing, we were supportive and kind and loving. Amazing chemistry, I can go on and on .... So where did it all go wrong?

I'm not entirely sure. Feel pretty shattered.

He says that he just can't make a relationship a priority and that he should have taken the time and space when he got out of his last serious relationship - he's been in one serious relationship since 19 (married at 21 and divorced at 25) and that he needs space ... that it's not fair I love him so much and make him my number 1 priority when he just can't make me his.... he says he just is not in the space where he knows who he is and what he wants in life and he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married again and that he'd be stringing me along.

The first thought and first question from most people is: Is there someone else?

And I can honestly say that it's a NO.

I think he is just incredibly confused and is throwing the best thing to ever happen to him away...

I deserve better.

I am strong, but I've taken it hard. Well, I have to carry on, put a smile on my face - can't exactly be weepy in the job I have ... and just be blessed that I have the most amazing friends and family :)

I heart Fashion

Autumn into Winter ... I love this time of year purely for the fashion. Jackets, jeans, jerseys, shirts, boots, ankle boots, ballet pumps and most importantly ... accessories. I love chunky jewellery, hats, beanies, berets, scarves and even short square, dark nails ... *happy sigh*

In other news ... I've been in hospital again. Don't ask ... long story. Not fun. Drained and I just want to get to the bottom of this. So far I've had several specialists who are just as baffled as I am. Xrays say one thing and then when they go inside, it's suddenly not there.

I have become a medical mystery. I think I am an alien.

Anyone have House's number on speed dial??

Hormonal Cabin Fever.

I had Left Out Syndrome last night ... well, I'm not sure I can call it that considering it was my decision to stay behind while all my mates were going to birthday parties, dinners and Paul Oakenfold.

I had a hospital procedure last Wednesday. I had to go under general anaesthetic and get prodded and poked etc ... Good times really...especially when the schedule 7 drugs kick in ;-)

European boy had bought us VIP tickets to Paul Oakenfold ages ago. Every part of me wanted to go but by the time we were ready to, my body decided to chicken out.

I don't know if I'm getting older and by that I mean more responsible, or if I'm just becoming lazier.

As a very torn European Boy hesitated at the door, I absolutely insisted that he went with the mates. Another thing I adore about him is how sweet his for insisting he stay behind and look after me. I felt guilty enough that I wasn't going - I didn't want to feel guilty for him not going too.

I am PMSing (read hormonal pain in the ass), feeling sorry for myself, feeling tender and fragile after the hospital procedure and just not really myself at the moment.

So there I was on the couch, with my laptop and my favourite fashion blogs, my book, drivel on TV and I suddenly had this: "I feel so sorry for myself ... Oh my gosh I'm missing out on fun." moment.

I wanted to jump up, get showered and dressed and go party. I had visions of arriving, looking chic and saying cooly:

"Ha ha - I was just kidding! I'm going to order a Jack & Lime, who wants one?"

I didn't though. Instead I sat looking at my phone semi-hoping for:

"It's just not the same without you."

and

"We're all having a miserable time and coming home." messages.

That didn't quite happen, either.

They say it's really good for you to have a night on your own. To enjoy your "me-time" and I am always down for those, because they are so few and far between.

However, this does NOT count when you are already climbing the walls from having Cabin Fever and having Cabin Fever during a hormonal time -is well...problematic.

I don't think anyone has ever been so excited to see a Mr. Delivery guy. When the doorbell rang, I jumped up and nearly hugged him - just for some human interaction. He gave me my food and walked away shaking his head.

I needed to find things to preoccupy my time.

Bare in mind, that since Wednesday I have been doing the same things every night. OK OK, to be fair, the only thing different was that I was at European Boys apartment and not mine....At least they were different walls to climb.

There was N.O.T.H.I.N.G on TV. Good grief. Oh wait. I did watch a cool movie...or was that Friday night? OK never mind, scratch that.

I watched the clock a lot. Ridiculous... and a little crazy, I'll admit it.

I re-checked blogs -just in case the bloggers had written a new post since the last hour I had checked.

I read Twitter and everyone tweeting about how amazing their Saturday nights were.

Made Hot chocolate.

Raided European Boy's cupboard for left over Easter Eggs. He's normally a hoarder like I am, but couldn't seem to hoard Easter eggs. Dammit.

I looked at friends photo's on Facebook.

I read a few chapters of my book.

I made Vanilla tea.

I got a message from European Boy and my heart sang with a ridiculous: "He does miss me!!" - even though I know that deep down. Being a hormonal girl at times can be the pits.

I must have eventually fallen asleep on the couch, because when I woke up again, all the lights were on, the TV was blaring with Discovery Channel's "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and when I looked next to me, European Boy was home, sweeping the hair off my face and eating pizza.

I vaguely remember him switching everything off eventually and steering me to bed. Thank goodness, because the last time I tried to go to bed myself when I was so sleepy, I nearly slept in the dining room.

Today is MOTHERS DAY ... My sister and I have a tradition that we make her breakfast/lunch/dinner and copious amounts of tea. We've been told that she is going to Yoga this morning (my mom's new thing now) - so we are going to make her brunch. I've become quite the cook lately, so I can't wait to show off...just a little. I love surprising mom.

My mom is the most amazing woman. I learn from her wisdom, her strength, her elegance, her grace, her zest for life and if I turn out to be just half the woman she is, I will be incredibly happy!

She has always been there. I cannot recall a time when I have been let down. She calls herself my "Number 1 Fan" and has been through every heart ache, hurt, success, dream, triumph and lesson. I couldn't be more blessed.

To all the mom's out there ... even if we don't say it often, we are exceptionally grateful for everything that you do.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

A mothers love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." ~Marion C. Garretty