Sunday, August 2, 2009


So yes Anonymous, my blog has become boring and has grown a fair amount of cobwebs, but shitloads has been happening. Twitter is easier. Just saying.

Yesterday was officially some "me time" ... something that I took for granted, never appreciated and now that I never get any, I miss it.
I finally had some time off, so I decided to go and get my hair done. Boy did it need it. My regrowth was so bad I was starting to look like Charlize Theron in Monster. I hate regrowth. It doesn't matter how clean your hair is; you still look like you haven't washed it in weeks. I sat in the chair excited for my hairdresser to make me blonde and beautiful. I love getting my hair done. I especially love my hair being washed and the head massages I get at the basin and on the chair for treatments. Pure Bliss. Why oh why though can I NEVER get my hair to look exactly the same as they did it? I buy the products they use, I have my life saving what-would-I-do-without-it ghd hair straightner and yet it never looks as sleek and professional?
Anyway...I'm just setting the scene. It's a Saturday, the salon is crazy busy and while I'm getting the head massage my phone starts to ring. I ignore it. I felt strange doing so and put it down o the fact that I'm not used to switching off and having "me time."
It rang again. I left it.

Eventually I couldn't take it curiosity was strong and my gut feeling stronger. It was Special K.
Special K and I have a very strong bond. I have heard Oscar winning performances from her and it hasn't fooled me. I know when she is upset.
"Hi Blondie!"
"Hi. What's wrong?"
"Babe. I have some bad news. Are you sitting down?"
"Oh my God. What? You're freaking me out. What is it?"
She went on to tell me the news. I think the world stood still. Hair dryers became mute in my world, people froze in time and my heart sank.
A friend of ours had died that morning. The Cancer took our 32 year old amazing friend. He had fought for so long, had painful chemo sessions, operations and..... my heart broke. My heart broke even more for his fiance. I can't imagine what she must be going through.
We only find out a week prior that there was no hope anymore. That we would be lucky to have him in our lives until September. I have been battling with that news the whole week and to get that call from Special K broke me.
I could NOT stop crying at Jeauval. I felt mildly embarrassed because people were staring and mumbling to each other if I was OK. Strange how very few people came over to ask me. I could hear everyone talking and muttering, but it was like I had this invisible force field around me. Odd thing to notice too. I know.
They curled my hair and made me beautiful, but my face was red and blotchy with grey traces of mascara streaming down. My poor hairdresser gave me a serviette and a hug and I struggled to pull myself together.

I felt selfish too for internalizing this and making it about me....not entirely, but I hope you know what I mean when I say this.
It hit me really hard because he was diagnosed with the same cancer I was 3 months. The only difference? I caught mine early, had it cut out and now watch myself life a hawk. He was not so lucky.

RIP my wonderful, funny, warm, amazing friend. I really miss you and I wish I had more of an effort. 13 June 1977 - 01 August 2009.

It sucks that things like this highlight things that should NEVER be taken for granted. The special people in your life, life itself and always appreciating the things we have.

I don't really know what to say. I am crying typing this and I think I'm gonna stop now.


Anonymous said...

Oh wow. Hi my name is Paula and I've been following your blog for a while to get a feel for your blog before I commit myself to commenting.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I hope you get better but allow yourself to mourn. I haven't loss anyone close to me to cancer but I have lost someone who I still cry about today and the heart exposed in this blog reminded me of the quiet heart break of the loss. So i'm giving you a digital hug and rub on your back. And a little tear for my own sense of loss of a friend who left too soon.
Be strong and hopeful. He's in a better place. And look after his fiance. Even I can't imagine that kind of loss.

po said...

Very sorry to hear that Blondie. That kind of thing makes me too scared to even think about. Maybe that is why people avoided comforting you, it terrifies them too?

Being Brazen said...

So Sorry to hear about your friend *hugs*

MidniteGem said...

I'm so so very sorry - no words make this feel ok. I think Po hit the nail on the head, I really can imagine dealing with that close of a loss. Tear dont seem to be enough.