Schizophrenic Blondie... The comedian.

The weather is weird. It's been sunny with freezing wind. Did Mother Nature not get the memo? It's SPRING!
I must admit though, I haven't seen a crisper morning. It's beautiful. I'm sitting on my balcony looking out into the distance. The buildings and trees actually have outlines. There's no blurry haze or smog. It's lovely.

I had a seriously chilled weekend. It was awesome. Lots of braai meat and lots of wine. Sunday was couch potato day. I didn't get out of my pajama's until this morning. In fact, this weekend was so chilled, I was actually boring.
Boring was welcomed into my life with open arms. I embraced it lovingly, but I don't want it hanging around me too much.

Right so, I am interviewing a few comedians this week. Honestly, I'm dreading it. I'm dreading it because I don't know what comes over me. I'll be introduced to the comedian and I automatically become hilarious. I think so anyway. I have no idea why I do this. I am NOT a comedian and yet I suddenly start practising "material" on them. Oh my God, it's is mortifying.
I actually have screaming matches in my head.
Blondie: Shut the fuck up. You. are. not. funny. What is wrong with you?
Blogshell: Hahahahahhaha - oooh wait, let me say this. That will make them drop to the floor in hysteria.
Blondie: Oh my God! You are embarrassing yourself. Seriously. Shut up. Stop moving your tongue. Get on with it.
Blogshell to comedian: So, I have a joke for you..
Blondie interrupts: Seriously? You're not doing this! I can't take another minute of this. Pleeeease!! Stop!
Blogshell, ignoring inner voice: So, 2 snowman are walking in a field. The one snowman says to the other: Dude, you're right! I can also smell carrots! Wahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaha!!!!
Blondie: I officially divorce myself from you.

The worst part? I kill myself laughing at my own jokes. They're horrible jokes and ironically I only ever remember the horribly BAD ones. I can't remember "cool, awesome, wow -you have-the-best-sense-of-humour-and-you're-such-a-funny-joke-teller" jokes. Noooo. I remember the horrible, cringe worthy ones.
When I say I kill myself laughing...I literally wipe away the tears.
I don't know why I do this when I can visibly see the comedians looking at me and their agents/posse nervously with the look: Did she just escape from a mental asylum?
I cringe at myself, but I am unstoppable!

Fits of flabbiness

I really tried to keep fit , ok no, let's be honest.I really tried to start exercising in winter so that by the time summer arrived I'd have no winter flab. No muffin top. *the roll of fat over the jeans that looks like the lip of the muffin...a yummy choc chip muffin*What a disaster! I am queen at procrastination and excuse making - it was too cold or I was too busy or I had no energy from the party the night before or I had just had my hair done and didn't want to get it all sweaty (that's the kugel excuse) etc etc etc.

It's almost like Mother Nature snapped her fingers and we have gone from having weather out of the freezer to the oven. It almost feels like we skipped spring all together and rocketed straight into Summer.With all of this said, we reach disaster number 2: I can no longer get away with covering the white wobbly bits in several warm layers of vests, jerseys and jackets. Oh no! Gone are the days of hiding. Now I have to peel the layers off and expose the evidence I call Winter Insulation!I have thought about keeping the layers on so that I can sweat so badly I will literally melt away and be thin! That could also be incredibly revolting and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least the weather is (warmer) BOILING HOT, so it's not like I'm exactly craving the Hot chocolates, slap chips, stews and copious amounts of bread! I want to eat salad and sushi *yummy*I have also decided I want to go on a sabbatical for a month from alcohol! I have heard it is an incredible way to get rid of 3 or 4 kgs! EXCELLENT! It's a start!I know it can be done, but it will be a challenge. There are too many parties and events to attend, so I have a game plan *every smart girl has one*

I am going to drink a long drink of Appletizer. It's sugar free (great because I'm sugar intolerant), it's delicious and it has that golden colour that makes people think it's alcohol.Excellent.So I think I'm going to blog this now...and see how I do! I promise to be honest!

Ok. Back to the exercise issue. I have tried every fad from spinning to gym, to pole-dancing *yes you read that correctly - my girlfriends and I decided to do a 3 month course and if nothing came from it at least we would have a 6-pack tummy from all the laughing* and Bikram Yoga nearly killed me. I also can't imagine doing it now in this heat, in a 40 degree room.My favourite form of exercise is Boxing. No, not kick boxing! I would have said that then.
I do Boxing, with the strapped hands, gloves, punching bag, skipping for 10 minutes etc etc etc...It is the only thing that really works for me! I love it...problem is.. I do not have the time. I literally don't. No excuse this time, I just cannot make the set classes in the morning or the evening so I'm literally screwed!Shitty shit shit!

Any suggestions? HELP!