Tuesday, January 15, 2008

All going up in smoke.

I'm in a shitty mood I am. I tried to stop smoking today. I am delusional.

Lets start at the beginning:

I was the girl who hated cigarettes and all those who smoked. I was the evil pain in the ass at parties, who would ask for a ciggie and then break them in half, or alternatively take the smoke hanging out of a mates mouth and break it in half. I was super popular at parties.

I then met this man who was amazing and wanted to date me. I told him I would only date him in his dreams ,unless he quit smoking. God, I am amazed at how romantic I can be at times ;-)

He did. We got together. After a year together, the game started. He knew it was a personal hate of mine so when we had arguments he would light up a cigarette and blow the smoke in my face.

I got so fucked off about it, I decided to join him at his own game and snatched the box away to light one up. Coughing and spluttering, I could see how irritated he was that I was smoking. His green eyes glared at me as if I had just scooped up a piece of doggy poop and stuffed it into my mouth. Well that was it, he would light another up and so I did too and now it's been 7 years of smoking.

All of this to spite him, but actually all I did was spite myself.

Thing is, my mother doesn't know. Yes I'm half way through my twenties, but I reckon that even if I was 40 I couldn't tell her, let alone smoke in front of her.

It's all very bizarre.

I also don't believe that New Years Resolutions ever work, but I have decided this is the year of change and organisation.

Starting with my body.

I smoked my last cigarette last night at a mates house, Archers Aqua and ciggie were in one hand and mascara and teary tissues in the other. My mate has decided to break up with the schmuck. Finally.

Anyway, I don't crave ciggies. It's more habit than anything else. I get into my car, smoke. I have a cuppa java, smoke. I see someone else light up, it's a reminder: "Oh yes, I can do that too."

I have alcohol, I smoke (the biggest habit) and after meals I light up too.


How hard can it be to just change a few habits? I have amazing will power (except for diets, but generally I'm good) and so I should be able to kick this soon.

Ha! What bloody ever! I am a cow. It's been 14 hours and I felt depressed. I have a miserably sore headache and I am no ray of bloody sunshine. So I succumbed. I bought my Marlboro Lights, lit up, exhaled and felt relieved. Aaaaah!
Now I feel guilty that it only took me a few hours and I crumbled. What is wrong with me??
I'm annoyed.


The Divine Miss M said...

It's called and addiction! I promise you though it does get easier once the nicotine leaves your body (48 - 72 hours) and then it is just all mental.

It is hard though but strong will power and I promise you you can do it!

*sends waves of support over*

High in Dubai said...

I have zero will power but I think maybe weening yourself off of it might help.

That is my 2 cents, basically worthless.

Also, it's not as if you cut yourself or murder little kittens... you don't, right?

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

i loooooove smoking....never really bothered to try quit except while i was pregnant and having appalling morning sickness. then i didn't feel like smoking!!

Ruby said...

i'm not a smoker myself, and therefor whatever advice i may or may not give is purely hearsay.

Maybe you should follow high's advice and quit one ciggie at a time? make sure you smoke a little less everyday until you eventually just quite?

The Divine Miss M said...

@ruby - the only problem with that is that you still have the addiction and that one cigarrette is just as hard to give up as having 20 a day. I did try that, and it would work for a month or two and then one day I'd say to myself "oh one more won't hurt" and then it was a downhill slide again!

@blonde - only way to go is Cold Turkey and it is hard but so much better once you quit!

Ruby said...

miss m - i'll take your word for it..as i said, hearsay:)

Blondy...rather listen to Miss M...she's waaaaay bette at this than me

The Blonde Blogshell said...

I love these little discussions between y'all! Now, I'd like to add that Divine Miss M - it's great to have you back blogging and I appreciate your wave of support PLUS I think I'll go cold turkey...Oh dear!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

High in Dubai... um... what if I do?
*evil grin*

Just teasing!

I'm proud to say I've cut down already, but then a glass of wine passes my way and I make up for lost ciggies! Cold TURKEY! ARGH!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Ruby you are S-M-A-R-T! I am really pissed off with myself. Thanks for the advice...thing is confusion set in...is the final verdict: Listen to Miss M or High in D?? LOL

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills (great name by the by) I am really NOT gonna fall preggers (as tempting as it is, as an excuse to stop smoking) You're so right!! I LOOOOVE SMOKING! Need to get my head right first!!

The Divine Miss M said...

@Blonde - you won't manage to quit if you still love smoking. I only managed to quit because I was really hating the way it was making me feel and the cough in the morning etc.

It'll only happen if you REALLY want too ;)

Pregnant to quit smoking ... interesting idea ... ;)

The Divine Miss M said...

Oh by the way it's good to know that someone missed me whilst I was away ;)

Sheena Gates said...

oh shit. shame chicatita! good luck! oh wait, you caved didn't you?

hehehe. more is nog 'n dag...as they say.

zuzula said...

you need to read Allen Carr's stop smoking book! i did 5 years ago and, give or take the occasional relapse, I haven't smoked since (i was on 20+ a day).