All going up in smoke.

I'm in a shitty mood I am. I tried to stop smoking today. I am delusional.

Lets start at the beginning:

I was the girl who hated cigarettes and all those who smoked. I was the evil pain in the ass at parties, who would ask for a ciggie and then break them in half, or alternatively take the smoke hanging out of a mates mouth and break it in half. I was super popular at parties.

I then met this man who was amazing and wanted to date me. I told him I would only date him in his dreams ,unless he quit smoking. God, I am amazed at how romantic I can be at times ;-)

He did. We got together. After a year together, the game started. He knew it was a personal hate of mine so when we had arguments he would light up a cigarette and blow the smoke in my face.

I got so fucked off about it, I decided to join him at his own game and snatched the box away to light one up. Coughing and spluttering, I could see how irritated he was that I was smoking. His green eyes glared at me as if I had just scooped up a piece of doggy poop and stuffed it into my mouth. Well that was it, he would light another up and so I did too and now it's been 7 years of smoking.

All of this to spite him, but actually all I did was spite myself.

Thing is, my mother doesn't know. Yes I'm half way through my twenties, but I reckon that even if I was 40 I couldn't tell her, let alone smoke in front of her.

It's all very bizarre.

I also don't believe that New Years Resolutions ever work, but I have decided this is the year of change and organisation.

Starting with my body.

I smoked my last cigarette last night at a mates house, Archers Aqua and ciggie were in one hand and mascara and teary tissues in the other. My mate has decided to break up with the schmuck. Finally.

Anyway, I don't crave ciggies. It's more habit than anything else. I get into my car, smoke. I have a cuppa java, smoke. I see someone else light up, it's a reminder: "Oh yes, I can do that too."

I have alcohol, I smoke (the biggest habit) and after meals I light up too.

Habits.

How hard can it be to just change a few habits? I have amazing will power (except for diets, but generally I'm good) and so I should be able to kick this soon.

Ha! What bloody ever! I am a cow. It's been 14 hours and I felt depressed. I have a miserably sore headache and I am no ray of bloody sunshine. So I succumbed. I bought my Marlboro Lights, lit up, exhaled and felt relieved. Aaaaah!

Now I feel guilty that it only took me a few hours and I crumbled. What is wrong with me??

I'm annoyed.