Distractions

I had a good sob...2 days ago it was a month since the breakup. They say it gets easier, but I'm still waiting for that.

One thing I have done is kept busy, good grief! I have been out every single night for dinners and coffees and more dinners. I still feel a little empty, but as long as I keep moving and keep seeing my incredible friends, I'm OK.

I sat on my bed having a good sob about it being a month and then realised that next month will be 2 months, BUT I will be on a flight to Europe and I will most certainly be enjoying a good wine or 2 on the plane.

I've booked my airtickets and I'm going to be jetting off to Europe next month for 2 beautiful weeks. In fact, in exactly one month from today I will be experiencing Europe in the Summer for the first time. I've only ever been in Winter, where I tend to look like the Michelin man thanks to all the layers of jerseys and snow jackets.

I have 6 flights to 6 different airports in 2 weeks. A little crazy.

Special K and 4 other girlfriends are jetting off a few days before I can- it's a pity I can't fly there with them but they will be fetching me from Dubrovnik - all very Sex and The City style and then it's off to the most incredible villa we'll be staying it. It is on an island off of Croatia and apparently it is just absolutely BREATH TAKING.

In fact, let me just post some pictures from the website :)

Looks awful, hey?

After the 8 days with them, I will be flying to Switzerland to visit my family. I can't wait to spend some time with my gran. I hardly know her so I'm looking forward to finding out about my heritage and hearing the stories she has to offer about her experiences.

I really really need this break. I love travelling. I love experiencing the sounds, sights, cultures, music, dishes, people etc and I plan to take it all in.

I can't wait to be going overseas with my amazing girlfriends ... what amazing FUN we're going to have. Special K and I have never been overseas together so this is really special for us.

I'm grateful for the distraction - it gives me something to look forward to.

Speaking of distractions, there is a very gorgeous man that has been flirting with me and I think I have been flirting back. I say this because I am actually ridiculously bad at it and it probably isn't flirting at all. Still ... .

It's fun though...and a little weird, but nice. It is very innocent from my side.

The reality is, I still feel very heart sore but I know it will get better ... that's what everyone and every bloody cliche says.

I'm just going through the motions. I'm going out, I'm meeting new people all the time, I'm crying alot and I'm laughing too.

I'm certainly trying this Single Life on and while I feel very out of my depth, I have survived - with plenty of scrapes and bruises, yes, but my heart is still beating - even if it is a different beat.

Yes She Can!

Apologies for Friday. I literally LOST IT and I wrote in the very thick of my emotions, which strangely enough was rather comforting to get out.

I'm much better now. I know this may seem a little "bi-polar" from one post to another but...
I have decided that I am going to change my attitude to things. Is this going to be easy? Nope, but I have to do this for my own sanity.

I am going to be positive from hereon out and try my hardest to not let things affect me. Yes, the stories will come, but instead of being sucked into them and sinking into a deep- hard-to-get-out-of-black-hole, I'm going to try and not let them affect me, by remembering that I left for a very good reason and that I've done the right thing. These stories affirm things for me.

I am going to focus on my future that I just know is going to be bright - positivity, you see? I'm going to focus on my dreams, my goals and I'm going to surround myself with amazing, true human beings.

One day at a time.

I had a fun weekend. I went to a very sophisticated dinner party on Friday night. I was invited by my dear gay friend and his boyfriend.
I think I may have just stepped into a Top Billing episode. It was a mansion in Bryanston. A Mansion. I got lost trying to find my way back from the bathroom and had to use the internal intercom system they have in every room.
The cuisine (not food) was exquisite, tasty and would have made Jamie Oliver weep.
Good God - these gay boys are (dare I say) fabulous!
I nearly gave the one guy a very dramatic heart attack when I told him that I love sweet wine like St. Anna. It's lovely and cheap. R20 a bottle I think. R16 in my bottle store ;-)
Apparently, this is not the type of thing you tell a wine connoisseur and collector. He wouldn't have any of it and opened a bottle of fine Australian wine for me. I felt terrible that he had opened up a R500 bottle and didn't drink any. I finished the bottle all on my own. Good grief.
I finally went home at 2am and felt like a million dollars. They loved my hair, my shoes and we discussed our beauty regimes in detail. It was great.

Saturday was spent lounging around watched Janice Dickinson, The Bachelor and The Moment of Truth (these are my guilty pleasures and I really can't get enough.)
I had a Hollywood Themed Birthday party to attend and she had hired a Kareoke Machine. The birthday girl dressed as Tina Turner and gave us the best show with back up dancers and everything.
I had a jol. I dressed as Charlie Chaplin.
Cute, yes. Not so cute when you're driving in the traffic with a drawn on mustache and a bowler hat. I had the sexiest guy sidle up next to me in his car (giving me the look) and as I looked over (ever so seductively - I think) I suddenly remembered what I was wearing and went beetroot red. It was attractive. I'm sure.

The ultimate betrayal.

How much can one person really handle? No really. I would seriously like to know that.

I've always believed that God doesn't allow someone to go through any more than they can handle.

I don't think I can take much more.

I have been betrayed by people I never in a million years would have thought that they'd betray me. I have heard things that have shocked me to the core. I. cannot. believe. this.

Who have I pissed off "up there"? Is this my karma for something? Really? I just don't get it, but I can't take much more and I have a feeling this is only the beginning of stories to come.

I am so hurt (that word "hurt" doesn't really explain how I feel - it is four lettered though) I feel shattered, my heart is so heavy I think it just may stop (sounds dramatic, but seriously) and I haven't been able to keep food down in a few days now.
I think I've become a break up bullimic. If there is such a thing.

I know this is dramatic and I will delete this post, but I can't scream and shout right now and this is my only avenue to really get it out.

I feel better now.

Go figure.

Well...what a few days they've turned out to be.

I really have no words. You think you know people, eh? Well, well, well.

It really is rather interesting how truths always out themselves. Well...I guess the saying is true: Better now than never.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on with my dignity, my self respect and put myself together again as an even better, stronger woman.

Right now though, I want to eat tubs of ice-cream, listen to "break-up" music like Pink's So What, vent, scream and with all that said and done I REALLY AM OK!

I guess it's just going through the motions.

:-)

I'm actually OK... I know that it sounds funny but I am doing a hell of a lot better than I thought I would be.
I think it's because I've been dealing with the fact that we were over for a while now.
I'm really glad things are amicable (well, as amicable as break ups can be) so that really helps. I feel guilty for feeling a little happy but I know that this is for the best and while most think I am devastated I am OK. No denial here, either.

I feel much better and went on a bit of a pampering session after gym this afternoon and had a facial and manicure. I feel all girly and lovely.

I'm focusing on my career, my friends, my family and myself now and I'm realising that that too is just fine :-)

No Regrets

I didn't believe that I would ever write a post like this. Ever.

I say that because I don't think it's really sunk in yet.
These are words that I never thought I would ever say again. Here goes.

I. am. single.

After five and a half years, I have no regrets. I do feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest without anaesthetic.

I am crushed.

I know that it's over and that there is no turning back and I know that it is for the best, but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that or that it's any easier. It was amicable too. Again. This doesn't make it easier.

I have learnt (I always knew, really, but it's times like these that remind me to be grateful) that I have the most incredible support structure. My family is incredible and so giving, my friends have dropped everything to be by my side, complete with a bottle of wine and the person I work with has made me laugh and given me such encouragement that I wouldn't know how to get through work without him.

Each day at a time. It's not even 24 hours yet and yet I feel like it's been 24 years.