Weekend anyone?

Good grief. I um...don't have words about this weekend. Seriously. It was completely out of character and manic. In fact even that description is tame.

I feel exhausted.

Friday night was um... Oh God. Where to start. So it all started off rather lovely...we went to a divine restaurant and had dinner and cocktails, like civilised human beings. Afterwards, we hit FTV Cedar. It was all lovely until coffee tequila reared it's ugly head. Oh. My. God.
It went completely pear shaped from there. Blondie 2 decided it would be "fun" to waterski though the fountain. As you do. "Weirdly" enough, she ended up falling on her ass and ended up at Olivedale Clinic.
She is now in a sling and it's not broken, but I personally think she needs a second opinion.
Anyway...I wasn't in my car (this NEVER ends well - at the time it makes sense to go in one car but at the end of the evening, I always curse that decision because I can't leave when I'm ready...I always say that I'll never do that again and what happens? It happens again.) so I couldn't even be at the hospital for her.
We were all supposed to go to the Meat Market called Billy the B.U.M.S.
I really am not a huge fan of this place.
Seriously. Men are just revolting. I know I shouldn't be surprised considering that I was at BB's but still....c'mon.
Is there some sort of perception that because it's Fourways/Sandton, all girls are gold diggers and impressed with your fancy schmancy car and monthly salary?
Seriously?
Right, so there I am sitting at a table (tired from dancing, you see?) when this guy comes up to Sugar and I.
"Hey there. I earn R30 000 a month, you girls should respect me."
"Pardon?"
He repeats this with extra emphasis on the "should".
"Oh. My. God. I just have to have your babies now! You must be an amazing man." I swooned.
He flashes a grin and decides that my sarcasm is a green light for him to sidle up next to me.
Dude.
His friend then joins us almost immediately and starts talking about his SLK Mercedes.
Later on, after a few more jaegerbombs and room spins I had this guy leer at me, burn me with a cigarette from his actions and try and pull in for a kiss. I turned my head and pushed him away. He then couldn't understand why I was the one being rude.
Oh yes. Baby oh baby. Please can I have some drunk, disgusting, sweaty man leer at me for a kiss.
I mean, after all... I don't even know what your salary is.

Sugar and I were feeling horribly drunk and I still had to fetch my car. So.
This wasn't embarrassing at all.
I had to call my parents at...wait for it....5am. Now. I love the fact that I let my hair down, but um. 5am?
That is NOT a Bondie thing to do. It really is completely out of character. 3am is doable every once in a while (seriously...every ONCE in a while) but 5am AND calling my folks. If I am going to do a big night, that's all fine by me but without the folks knowing about it.
It gave a whole new meaning to drunk dialling.

So. My dad and my sister came to collect me and then we went to fetch my car (my sister drove it home for me.)

Fabulous. It was terribly sweet but if I could have avoided that I would have.

I slept the entire day, felt very sorry for myself and then drove through to fetch Blondie 2 who was going to be sleeping at me so that we could get an early start on Sunday.
It was hilarious though considering that we all take having two hands for granted. I had to cut her burger into four so that she could pick it up with her one hand and eat it and I had to help her with her bra. No weird thoughts boys.

Sunday was Moving Day. It was weird going through all my things and packing them into boxes. My dad had hired a trailer for all my furniture and Sugar, Blondie 2 and I went through cupboards, drawers and every room figuring out what was mine, what I was keeping and what I was chucking.
I couldn't have done it without them and we made it "fun" by pretending we were on The Style Network's "Clean House" show. We would actually make a good team and I reckon it would be a good TV show! The SA Version! Hahaha!!
Afterwards, we decided we needed a drink. A stiff one. We went to Lonehill Capello's. It was pretty dead, which was suprising considering it was the Sunday Hang Out once upon a time!

These two boys came to us and asked us if the two empty chairs were available. The way they asked it, was as if they needed the chairs to move to a table they were sitting at. As soon as I said, "Not at all" they sat down. Um. OK.
They spent the time just complimenting us on our shoes, hair and dresses.

I found the humour in the fact that on Friday night I had been hit on by revolting men and on Sunday night I was being "hit on" by Gay Boys.

Lovely.

I'm a Ballerina Girl, name calling and liquid dinners!

I got to meet Lionel Richie yesterday. He stopped by to visit me. Me, as in the office. Potay-toes, Potah-toes. He told me that I was 3 times a lady and that after seeing me he really did want to dance on the ceiling. I know. It's hard having that affect on super famous people. Sigh. I offered to babysit his granddaughter, Harlow and that if Nicole Richie was feeling lonely because her "BFF" Paris Hilton was tarting herself around the world, I'd happily share a few cocktails with her.
He laughed at me. I thought it was funny too, but I was being serious. Oh well.

So I got the People Magazine (before it comes out next Tuesday) and there's an article about:
The Names Men Call Women.
Here are the different options.
WOT = Woman On Top - someone who is domineering.
T&G = Touch & Go - one night stand chick
LOD = Live off Daddy - enough said.
LOL - Lady of Leisure - high maintenance
WWI = Woman with Issues - trouble and lots of tears
SCB = Sensitive Cry-Baby - most difficult to manage because she believes everyone is always attacking her.
DMH = Dedicated Man Hater - feminist.
WTS = Way Too Smart - threat to men in the workplace
TTH = Tries Too Hard - they're desperate and short of throwing their arms around mens knees.
BWN = Best When Naked - they have a terrible laugh, they're dumb, no sense of humour, can't hold an intelligent conversation but they're BWN.
B&D = Bitchy & Dangerous - spiteful and will make you pay for every one of your mistakes.
CWA = Comes With Anchor - biological clocks are a tick-tocking.
PDB = Perfect Dumb Blonde - airheads and naive.
NTB = Not Too Beautiful - OK looking women with a bad outlook on life.
JNI = Just Not Interested - are the girls who give off "back off" vibes.

Dude...these are hectic. So, um...what? Should we all strive to be PMM?
Careful because that M at the end can also become an S. Just saying.

I am so super excited for tonight. It's a night out with the girls. I haven't actually spent some good time with my mates lately and I can't wait to enjoy a liquid dinner of cocktails. PLUS....my sister is coming! She has been hectic with her thesis, internship, exams and group assignments. It is not an exageration when I say I haven't seen her for longer than 15 minutes in 3 months. I got a call from her to say she's coming tonight, so we're celebrating her distinctions. She graduates Cum Laude. I am so bloody proud of her!! Tonight is going to be a JOL!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!

Charity and Showers

So I received this email from my gorgeous sister. I know it's not original, but I'm feeling as original as....um... see? Can't even think of that! So...here it is! It made me wet my pants. Not literally, but nearly. Just saying.

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband alongthe way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique inthe mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sageshampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them ina pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her while making the woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub thewhole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass the wife, pulloff towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Like I said...nearly wee'd.

I am quite excited about tomorrow night. I do a lot of charity work and tomorrow night I am a part of Wow and Wags the proceeds will go to: FreeMe
I am being dressed by Story Design -an incredible designer and my Garden Terrorist and this post is being dressed by Doggie Hillfigher.
Exciting times!

Have a wicked weekend biatches!

To be continued....

There is nothing more off putting than a man talking loudly (in public) about money. I don't know what it is, but I hate it. I think it is the unsexiest thing ever. It's normally around women too. Do you really think I'm going to be impressed? Clearly you do. Do you really think that I'm going to swoon in, flutter my eyelashes and whisper, huskily: I want to have your babies!
Argh! I was sitting having some breakfast this morning with Special K. I noticed him noticing us in his really subtle way. His friend joined him a few minutes later and they both started staring.
Um...we can see you!! Just letting you know.
All of a sudden Jerk 1 said (no, let's be fair...projected loudly) to Jerk 2: I can't handle the bank phoning me all the time! My platinum credit card is fully paid and they've wanted to add an extra few hundred thousand into my credit.
Jerk 2: Oh dude. Hate it when that happens. I just got an amazing raise and I'm wondering if I should buy the Audi TT or the new BMW.
Jerk 1: Tough choice. Buy them both!
Jerk 2: Great idea!

Fuck, I wanted to vomit. They kept looking over to see if we had heard them and to see if we we're, I don't know, gold digging bitches who would cover them like ants on cream soda.
Special K and I ignored them flat and actually moved tables. They were speaking so loud it was actually difficult to follow our own conversation.
Nauseating.

I'll blog more just now..I have more to say, but gotta go into a meeting now. Hate it when work get's in the way of blogging! I mean seriously!

To be continued....

That's what SHE said!!

So I am pretty much exempt of all troubles until next August. I rock. Well he does now as the Rock Legend on Guitar Hero PS2 game. Hysterical. There he was sitting in his slippers rocking out to the TV and blaming the "stupid machine" when he missed a note.
Good times.
Tonight we hit Tanza Night for some fun, drinks and birthday celebrations. Yay.

There are just some questions you don't ask men. Even I know that.
I was chatting to a mate of mine on the balcony (he's a dude) and I just couldn't help laughing my panties off. Hilarious. I was laughing so hard because it was the exact conversation the man and I had last week. Almost word for word too.
Balcony dude: So, you went back to blonde! Nice. My wife wants to go back to blonde too.
Blondie: Oh really?
Balcony dude: She's been brunette for a year and half and wants to go back.
Blondie: Well, if you are blonde and you experiment, apparently you always go back.
Balcony dude: Ja, she wanted my opinion.
Blondie: And?
Balcony Dude: Well, it was difficult. I told her she looks gorgeous as a blonde.
Blondie: Uh-oh. I bet she looked at you like, "Oh, so what? For a year and a half I've looked like a troll?"
Balcony Dude: Oh my God? Were you spying? That's exactly what she said.
Blondie: Yup...I'm afraid it's a thing us women do. It's like asking you: "Does my ass look big in this?" So, what did you say?
Balcony Dude: I said that: "My baby, you look gorgeous no matter what colour your hair is!"
Blondie: Noooo!! That's what my man said! You guys really do have a book of 'sayings' don't ya?
Balcony Dude: Ja, but who ever wrote the 'Saying's for Men' book didn't have this one covered, because she then asked me, "Well? What do you prefer?"
Blondie: Ahhahahahaha...that's what I did!! Dude!

Men...damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Moral of the story? Best you keep trying!!

PS> I felt this incredible urge to use colour in this blog. Just thought you might like to know.

I am so hungover

If I was a box today, I would read: Fragile. Handle with care.

I am soooo hungover I.want.to.die.
I think it would actually be less painful to chop my head.

Special K and I went out with one of Special K's friends...she's a model who lives in Greece. Oh yes. It was fabulous going out with 2 gorgeous girls. *Sigh*
We went to FTV, Sandton. It's really pretentious but I really had an excellent time with the company I was around. I can't remember the last time I danced. OK, that time in the shower and in my bedroom doesn't count.
I laughed and laughed and drank and drank and drank and drank.

I haven't been to a club for quite a while and I just loved dancing and people watching.

These are some of the things I noticed.

Men really do think they're God's gift to women. Especially when the alcohol starts to flow.
I had this one guy come up to me, he was from Israel.
"You arrr gorjusss! Verrry prrretty. Let me smell your neck."
Before I even knew what was going on, he had his nostrils against my neck.
"Ah, you are even morrre prrretty than I imagined."
"You are not from this country, yes?"
*Evil grin*
"No, I from Rrrrussia!" in my best Russian accent.
"Ah, Russia! Gorjuss!"
"My name, Vickoria. Hokay, I go now."
"How old arrr you?" the greasy dude asks.
"How old Viktoria look?"
"21."
Woohoo.
"Hokay. I go get vodka."
And I left.
Bad idea. He kept sending vodka shots over. I have no idea how he kept finding me because I kept moving around.

Towards the end of the evening/early morning, last rounds were called and there was this desperation that suddenly entered mens eyes. It was classic and it was blatant.
"Oh shit. Times running out and I haven't scored yet."
All of a sudden, men just looked like hungry wolves except their eyes weren't sharp, they were glazed and they staggered, instead of pouncing.
One word. Disgusting.

I have also noticed that the girls are getting younger and the skirts are getting shorter.*

I have also noticed that I put a bitch face on. I didn't know I had bitch face. I become defensive in pretentious places because I can see the catty rich bitches doing the "up-and-down" look and so I put my chin in the air and put a bitch face on.
It got me thinking. I look just like one of those pretentious girls. Perhaps we all feel we're being judged and so we all have bitchy faces. Maybe if we relaxed a little and didn't actually give a shit, maybe there wouldn't be any airs and graces.**
I say the judging thing because we're girls and at some stage we have judged. No sense in denying it.
I also noticed this beautiful girl and how confident and gorgeous she looked. I loved her boots too.
She saw me looking and automatically scowled at me.
I was shocked but it all made sense. She doesn't know I'm not looking her up and down, judging. And as girls, we automatically assume the worst.***

I have also noticed that I cannot drink as much as I used to. God knows I drank like a binge-drinking 18 year old and God knows I am suffering for it today.

My man is away at Sun City for the Positive Rocks concert...he's filming there. He is also hanging out with the bands and Kelly Rowland. Seriously.
Hate him. :-)

So.... I am getting in as much girl time as possible. Tonight, Blondie 2 is coming over for a Slumber Party. When was the last time you did this?
We've had a good time teasing the men at work with this: "So, B2 have you got your underwear and stilettos ready for tonight?"
"Yup! I've also got feather pillows ready."
"Awesome. It's going to be a regular girls night out in...you know, hanging out in our underwear and stiletto's, eating chocolate and having pillow fights!"

Oh and the other thing I've noticed? Men are so predictable.

Have a great weekend.

*Am I getting older and more prudish?
** And...maybe not.
*** Why is that? Is Dr. Phil around?