The ultimate betrayal.

How much can one person really handle? No really. I would seriously like to know that.

I've always believed that God doesn't allow someone to go through any more than they can handle.

I don't think I can take much more.

I have been betrayed by people I never in a million years would have thought that they'd betray me. I have heard things that have shocked me to the core. I. cannot. believe. this.

Who have I pissed off "up there"? Is this my karma for something? Really? I just don't get it, but I can't take much more and I have a feeling this is only the beginning of stories to come.

I am so hurt (that word "hurt" doesn't really explain how I feel - it is four lettered though) I feel shattered, my heart is so heavy I think it just may stop (sounds dramatic, but seriously) and I haven't been able to keep food down in a few days now.
I think I've become a break up bullimic. If there is such a thing.

I know this is dramatic and I will delete this post, but I can't scream and shout right now and this is my only avenue to really get it out.

I feel better now.

Go figure.

Well...what a few days they've turned out to be.

I really have no words. You think you know people, eh? Well, well, well.

It really is rather interesting how truths always out themselves. Well...I guess the saying is true: Better now than never.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on with my dignity, my self respect and put myself together again as an even better, stronger woman.

Right now though, I want to eat tubs of ice-cream, listen to "break-up" music like Pink's So What, vent, scream and with all that said and done I REALLY AM OK!

I guess it's just going through the motions.

Weekend anyone?

Good grief. I um...don't have words about this weekend. Seriously. It was completely out of character and manic. In fact even that description is tame.

I feel exhausted.

Friday night was um... Oh God. Where to start. So it all started off rather lovely...we went to a divine restaurant and had dinner and cocktails, like civilised human beings. Afterwards, we hit FTV Cedar. It was all lovely until coffee tequila reared it's ugly head. Oh. My. God.
It went completely pear shaped from there. Blondie 2 decided it would be "fun" to waterski though the fountain. As you do. "Weirdly" enough, she ended up falling on her ass and ended up at Olivedale Clinic.
She is now in a sling and it's not broken, but I personally think she needs a second opinion.
Anyway...I wasn't in my car (this NEVER ends well - at the time it makes sense to go in one car but at the end of the evening, I always curse that decision because I can't leave when I'm ready...I always say that I'll never do that again and what happens? It happens again.) so I couldn't even be at the hospital for her.
We were all supposed to go to the Meat Market called Billy the B.U.M.S.
I really am not a huge fan of this place.
Seriously. Men are just revolting. I know I shouldn't be surprised considering that I was at BB's but still....c'mon.
Is there some sort of perception that because it's Fourways/Sandton, all girls are gold diggers and impressed with your fancy schmancy car and monthly salary?
Seriously?
Right, so there I am sitting at a table (tired from dancing, you see?) when this guy comes up to Sugar and I.
"Hey there. I earn R30 000 a month, you girls should respect me."
"Pardon?"
He repeats this with extra emphasis on the "should".
"Oh. My. God. I just have to have your babies now! You must be an amazing man." I swooned.
He flashes a grin and decides that my sarcasm is a green light for him to sidle up next to me.
Dude.
His friend then joins us almost immediately and starts talking about his SLK Mercedes.
Later on, after a few more jaegerbombs and room spins I had this guy leer at me, burn me with a cigarette from his actions and try and pull in for a kiss. I turned my head and pushed him away. He then couldn't understand why I was the one being rude.
Oh yes. Baby oh baby. Please can I have some drunk, disgusting, sweaty man leer at me for a kiss.
I mean, after all... I don't even know what your salary is.

Sugar and I were feeling horribly drunk and I still had to fetch my car. So.
This wasn't embarrassing at all.
I had to call my parents at...wait for it....5am. Now. I love the fact that I let my hair down, but um. 5am?
That is NOT a Bondie thing to do. It really is completely out of character. 3am is doable every once in a while (seriously...every ONCE in a while) but 5am AND calling my folks. If I am going to do a big night, that's all fine by me but without the folks knowing about it.
It gave a whole new meaning to drunk dialling.

So. My dad and my sister came to collect me and then we went to fetch my car (my sister drove it home for me.)

Fabulous. It was terribly sweet but if I could have avoided that I would have.

I slept the entire day, felt very sorry for myself and then drove through to fetch Blondie 2 who was going to be sleeping at me so that we could get an early start on Sunday.
It was hilarious though considering that we all take having two hands for granted. I had to cut her burger into four so that she could pick it up with her one hand and eat it and I had to help her with her bra. No weird thoughts boys.

Sunday was Moving Day. It was weird going through all my things and packing them into boxes. My dad had hired a trailer for all my furniture and Sugar, Blondie 2 and I went through cupboards, drawers and every room figuring out what was mine, what I was keeping and what I was chucking.
I couldn't have done it without them and we made it "fun" by pretending we were on The Style Network's "Clean House" show. We would actually make a good team and I reckon it would be a good TV show! The SA Version! Hahaha!!
Afterwards, we decided we needed a drink. A stiff one. We went to Lonehill Capello's. It was pretty dead, which was suprising considering it was the Sunday Hang Out once upon a time!

These two boys came to us and asked us if the two empty chairs were available. The way they asked it, was as if they needed the chairs to move to a table they were sitting at. As soon as I said, "Not at all" they sat down. Um. OK.
They spent the time just complimenting us on our shoes, hair and dresses.

I found the humour in the fact that on Friday night I had been hit on by revolting men and on Sunday night I was being "hit on" by Gay Boys.

Lovely.

Chapters in my life

This weekend involves:

Dinner tonight at a very beautiful, trendy restaurant.
Pilates.
A birthday party, where I am going to wear a new dress I bought and team it with my suicidal stilettos and dance the night away with my mates.

and then...

I'm moving all my furniture out on Sunday and I have all my mates and family coming to help me. I'm going to need a stiff drink or three afterwards, so the deal is that once we've moved and put my things into storage, we're going to go out and slurp cocktails.... they'll certainly symbolize the end of a chapter and the start of a new one.
I'm feelin OK about Sunday...but I don't know how brave I'll be on the actual day. Thank GOD for Special K, Blondie 2, Sugar, mom, dad and my sister who are going to be there!

I have received a few messages from someone and they have made me smile. It's good to know there is life after "death" :-)

2am

I treated my mate Sugar and I (we're both going through break ups) to prawns last night. What was supposed to be one glass of wine, turned into three...or was it four? For me, one glass of wine is already a danger zone. For some reason I can drink plenty (well...I'm called Florence because I nurse my drinks) of mixed drinks or bottled drinks, even two or three cocktails and feel cool...but give me one measily glass of wine and I'm ready to shake my ass on the table with a "Yeeeehah!!" That would not have been appropriate at Adega. On a Wednesday night.

We ended up getting kicked out of Adega and moved onto the Corner House. Oh good grief. It is a house that has been converted into an Irish Pub and anything goes. If you're under thirty you're way too young and if you're dressed up like you're going to an FTV you are going to stick out like a sore thumb...a fashionable sore thumb. Dancing is not a group act...it's partnered up.
I can't remember the last time I was a) asked to dance and b) danced with a guys hand on my back with a few twirls and dips thrown into the mix.
It was fun. One of the things that freaked Sugar and I out, was the fact that the majority of the men there were old enough to be our dads and some of them our grandfathers. They all have hungry eyes and you know exactly what I mean by that. The worst was being winked at or my favourite, having this guy lick his lips in my direction. I wasn't sure if he was trying to put his dentures back in with no hands or if that was supposed to be some sort of "Hey baby..How you doin'?" pick up.
Ewww.

Anyway.

It is incredibly weird to be back at home. I haven't lived under my parents roof in four years. It is absolutely wonderful in some instances and in others, not so much. I am loving the fact that I have my mom and dad around. I haven't eaten this well or this healthy in ages and my dad brings me a cup of tea every single morning with his cheerful sing-songy "Good morning sunshine!"
My mom plays with my hair and gives me plenty of hugs. We sit watching Ugly Betty and Greys together and I'm just really enjoying the luxuries of being home. I haven't had to worry about what I'm going to cook for dinner, about buying dishwasher or Handy Andy and they've told me that I don't need to pay rent. God, I am lucky. I told them that at the moment I am really enjoying not having to be an "adult", but that it isn't unappreciated (I'm no spoilt brat) and that as soon as I can "breathe" again I will happily assist with things like cooking meals, buying groceries and so forth. I've been told not to be silly, but I can't just lounge around doing nothing..I just have to pull my weight or I wouldn't feel right (that and the fact that I may just used to it.)
My mom and dad are just so happy that I'm home and I wanted to cry out of happiness.

However, I am getting the sms' during the day like:
"Blondie, it's mom. Are you going to be home for dinner? I need to know how many steaks to take out of the freezer and how many vegetables to cook. Love you."

"Blondie...it's mom. I don't want to nag, but it's 01h30. What time will you be home? You do know it's raining out don't you? I hate you driving on the roads. Would you like dad to come and follow you home? This is not good for your body. Love Your No. 1 Fan."

(My mom has always called herself my No. 1 Fan and I could just gobble her up...she doesn't realise how much that means to me.)

It is awfully sweet, but I haven't had to think of these things in years and I feel like a selfish shit because I'm getting annoyed. When I stumbled in this morning at 02h00 my mothers bedroom lamp flicked on I got the "This is no time for a young lady to be coming home during the week" lecture.
I... um... have been doing this for years and I'm impressed that I'm home at 2am.

It's just huge adjustments all around, but I wouldn't have it anyway. My family are absolute angels and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

:-)

I'm actually OK... I know that it sounds funny but I am doing a hell of a lot better than I thought I would be.
I think it's because I've been dealing with the fact that we were over for a while now.
I'm really glad things are amicable (well, as amicable as break ups can be) so that really helps. I feel guilty for feeling a little happy but I know that this is for the best and while most think I am devastated I am OK. No denial here, either.

I feel much better and went on a bit of a pampering session after gym this afternoon and had a facial and manicure. I feel all girly and lovely.

I'm focusing on my career, my friends, my family and myself now and I'm realising that that too is just fine :-)

Does this make sense?

I feel like a fish out of water. I haven't been just Blondie for so many years. It's always been Blondie and her man.
I am having to relearn who I am, what makes me tick and loving to be on my own. It's only 6 days, but each day is different.
Everything reminds me of him and I have driven that way "home" every single evening, only to do a U-Turn and go back home. I also keep wanting to call him when I receive a piece of news etc... and I suddenly realise what I am doing in the middle of typing his number into my Blackberry. Everything is just very very odd but I know that it will take time.

I am stronger than I thought I would be, but with that said, this has been harder than I thought it would be. Does that make sense?

I don't know how to be single. I feel really pathetic in saying that and yet I don't feel pathetic in saying that either.
Does that make sense?

I guess I did things ass about face. While my mates partied away, snogged different men, slept with different men (safely) and basically enjoyed a single life in their early twenties, I was in a loyal, serious relationship. Now my mates are settling down and I am going to enjoy being single in my late twenties.
Weird.

I am sad and excited. Does that make sense?

This is a new chapter in my life and it is going to certainly be very interesting to see how the book finishes.

PS> I am going away on Thursday, Friday and Saturday for a shoot. It's a romantic shoot too. The timing is beautiful.
Still. It will be good to stay busy and have a change of scenery.

No Regrets

I didn't believe that I would ever write a post like this. Ever.

I say that because I don't think it's really sunk in yet.
These are words that I never thought I would ever say again. Here goes.

I. am. single.

After five and a half years, I have no regrets. I do feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest without anaesthetic.

I am crushed.

I know that it's over and that there is no turning back and I know that it is for the best, but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that or that it's any easier. It was amicable too. Again. This doesn't make it easier.

I have learnt (I always knew, really, but it's times like these that remind me to be grateful) that I have the most incredible support structure. My family is incredible and so giving, my friends have dropped everything to be by my side, complete with a bottle of wine and the person I work with has made me laugh and given me such encouragement that I wouldn't know how to get through work without him.

Each day at a time. It's not even 24 hours yet and yet I feel like it's been 24 years.

:-(

Hey hey!! I'm back!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Happy Two Thousand and Divine.

Please forgive me. I'm going through something at the moment and staying strong. Trying to anyway.

I will be back to blog and catch up on your blogs as soon as I am ready.