You know it's going to be one of those days, when you drop a heavy glass ashtray on your toe. Fucking hell. The pain. I was convinced I was going to look down and find my foot left with 4 toes, or at least no toe nail and gushing royal blood (I'm still convinced my blood is blue.)
Nope. Just throbbing and swelling. Again, I'm never doing natural child birth.
Then I could not find my keys. I am one of those people who really does want to be early, but always manages to be late. Not terribly late, but late by 5 minutes or so. There are also days I surprise myself and rock up super early.
Today was one of those. I was super early to leave and therefore I'd arrive early at my appointment. All was going well until I couldn't find my car keys. I searched. I searched high, I searched low, I even searched the fridge. Don't ask.
I eventually searched my car at the weird chance I had left them in the ignition or locked them inside etc.
Not one sign of them. Shit, shit, shit!! I was now running on the late side. Where did I find the little shits? On the key ring holder by the front door. Of course I didn't look there first. Why would I possibly look there?
I could've slapped myself.
I arrived at my appointment. Yes. A shallow appointment. I had booked a pedicure and Bazilian wax. Sorry for the TMI, but this is valid.
My girl friends and I got onto the topic of "grooming down-there" and I was shocked to find out that most of them wax or shave...into little shapes!
WTF? Seriously? Who has the time? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for grooming and neatness and I do my fair share, but waxing? As in pouring hot sticky wax down there and ripping the bejesus out of, well, the you-know-what?
I got dared. So, Blondie went this morning to try the torture method out*.
OH. MY. GOD!! How did this ever become a trend and seriously, how did it ever continue?
You do realise that women CHOOSE to do this.
My crotch was literally on fire. Not a fire crotch as in Lindsay Lohan....crotch ON fire!!
Firstly is the wax supposed to be that hot? Or is it that hot that it numbs the skin?
It didn't burn me . I was surprised. Then she smiles. It was a smile that could have rivalled Mona Lisa. Was that a "oh-I-so-don't-envy-you-right-now" smile or a sympathetic smile of "I-know-what-you're-about-to-go-through" or maybe an "evil grin" smile.
Whatever smile that was, it scared the shit out of me because as she smeared the wax all over the...you-know-what, I had this thud of realisation. 'Oh well, no going back now! Only one way to come off!'
She looks at me and says: "Don't forget to breathe. Here we go!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!" followed by a few words that made even me, blush.
We had to do that several times.
It was pleasant. You know, just a regular good time!
Well, I was wrong. My day got better. A LOT BETTER. I want 150% confirmation on some news before I pop open the champagne. Watch this space :-)
* I also thought it might not be such a bad idea of a "welcome home present" to my man. 1 more sleep.