Don't read any further if...

• you're my mom
• you're sensitive to the "birds and the bees"
• you don 't know about that yet.
  
  Cool. With that covered, I had to scrape my jaw off the floor today.
  
  My mate "Bratz Doll" (she looks like one) and I decided to hit the Ocean Basket for some sushi.
  
  Sitting at a table next to us were two women in their 20's. Now I understand why people are told not to eavesdrop; something I am pretty good at, admittedly. Oh. Dear. Lord. Why?
  
  My ears whisked open at the word: G-spot.
  
  Their discussion started with whether the G-spot actually exists or not. Our damn waiter then had to come and get our drinks order, so when I picked up the convo again, I nearly choked.
  
  Chick1: "Well, doesn't he get jealous?"
  
  Chick2: "Nah! I mean, he must understand that women know womens bodies, so I get far more satisfaction from women than from my man! He's cool with it!" (I bet he is)
  
  Chick1: "True! Oh and what's your take on Kabelo? Do you think she's also bisexual?"
  
  Chick 2: "Nah, I think she's doing it for a fashion fad."
  
  Well I drew the line when the word: Thrush came up.
  
  I. am. sorrry. NOT while I'm eating lunch, especially sushi.
  
  

"Nuff said.

Oh and this is very out of character for me, but it was just so jaw dropping I had to share it.

There's no Santa? WTF?

Ok, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I am severly pissed off Santa doesn't exist.

And no, this is not something I have just found out -although that could have been amusing.

Seriously. I am pissed off about it. It killed the magical spark of Christmas for me. I still remember trying as hard as I could, to keep my little brown eyes open, to wait for Santa. I woke up at 5am with excited anticipation, to check if Father Christmas had arrived and sure as nuts there were the gifts in my stocking. The mince pies I left out were half eaten or there were crumbs left behind, and the milk was drunk. I even left carrots out for the reindeer and there used to be bits of carrots left over.

How special? I thought so, until I got told by some snotty 9 year old bitch that "Santa doesn't exist, loser!" and I ran crying to my mom, only to be told that it was time they told me it's true.

I was gutted.

I almost feel like leaving mince pies and milk out...for old times sake...for my inner child. Fuck, I don't know?

I did my final bits of Christmas shopping today. I vow every year that I will not grace the malls with my presence on the 24th and what happens every year? Moron here, wades through the crowds.

I got put into an instant mood. Listen pimply bitch behind the counter, life cannot possiblybe that shitty you have to scowl at me like everything is my fault.

To the 2 grannies, I know you're old and have difficulty walking, but why don't you hobble to the side? I need to move in long strides, not at snail pace.

To the dude at the wrapping paper counter, there is a reason boys shouldn't wrap gifts. Did you lose a bet that you're behind that counter offering the "service"? Thanks to you, what was supposed to be time saving has now become time consuming since I have to redo your crappy job.

With that off my chest :-) I am really looking forward to Christmas tomorrow!

I am going to stuff my face with turkey, stuffing, gammon, trifle, christmas pud and brandy butter...mmmmmmmmmm.... I think I just put on 15kgs just thinking about it! ha ha!

Wishing you all A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Twinny

I have some really funny friends. They each have their own interesting, hilarious stories.

Like my friend, Twinny. She used to waitress as a student. She had to train for 3 days because apparently the system was quite complex. It involved scanning barcodes on the menu etc etc etc. Well, yes it doesn't sound complex but for the benefit of the doubt...

There she is on her first "proper" waitressing day. Her first customer arrives.
Twinny: What can I get for you sir?
Customer: I'd like the fillet steak please.
Twinny looks up the menu, scans it and feels quite proud that this complex system is not too taxing.
Customer: Well done.
Twinny (grinning): Thank you!
Customer: No, I mean my steak. I'd like it well done please.
Cringe.

Twinny continues waitressing. This one woman arrived every morning for a coffee and muffin.One morning Twinny decided to be smart and as the woman opened her mouth to ask for her usual, Twinny cut in: Yes, your coffin and muffy is coming right up!

Now I remember why I didn't waitress.

Another story.

Twinny has hair extensions (very realistic and very pretty.)She happened to be in a very busy bar when she noticed her cousin sitting with a bunch of super sexy guys. As she walked up to introduce herself, the table next to her starts laughing. Eventually a woman taps her on the shoulder and asks: Is this yours?In her hand is a mass of blonde synthetic hair (it looked like a small animal/road kill.)Cringe.

Never a dull moment and yes, Twinny, I hold you responsible for my laughing lines!

Fruity ass

Everyone's a comedian, aren't they?



Little Fuckers! I LUUURVE Mince Pies. A lot of people don't. Sorry for them. More for me.



So, we have this very ditzy gal in the office and as much as we enjoy her antics* she can really be stupid.As sweet ** as it was for her to bring in a tray of mince pies, I do NOT understand the logic.



Let me explain.



I do not do white pants or white bottoms for that matter. I think they make your ass look 5x the size, if it's too tight it can show too many lumps and bumps*** and sometimes in the wrong light it can look see through.

Today, of all days...has to be sleep induced, I decided to wear my white skirt (the only white bottoms I have.) Why? Why oh why would you put a half eaten mince pie on a seat?

No. Seriously. There is a desk, for fucksakes, there's even a semi clean serviette on the desk.



Blondie here, didn't look at seat, sat and felt something squishy.

Standing up, there was a whoosh of giggles. I feel a great sticky mince pie stuck to my skirt. Removing it, makes me look as if I've shat in my pants.I gave them the finger and told them all to "Swivvel!"...politely.



I have a meeting just now. Fun times. Why does this always happen to me?



* So we can tease her.

** Excuse the pun.

*** More specifically, orange peel - God I love how these puns all come together.

Sleep Deprived

Oh. My. God! Please help me. I neeeed coffee. I'm not being cute or funny, I am contemplating using the match stick trick to keep my eyelids open. Hmmm... does that work?

Never. I repeat NEVER EVER go to a place in someone elses car. Now, I could imagine this sentence seems a little dodgy, but it's quite simple.
Me, has work tomorrow. You's do not. Me is up at 04h30. You's can sleep in. Aka party like bitches and sleep in.
Bastards.

Some mates of mine decided to go watch a Cabaret show at Emperor's Palace.
Dear God, those bodies are incredible. It really isn't fair.

Back to the point.

I love Skinny T's intent, it's good and wholesome. We happen to live in the same complex and because she did the inviting, she wanted to fetch and carry.
Blondie: "Thanks so much, but really... I think it's better if I go in my car. I'm sure you guys will want to drink copious amounts of cosmopolitans in the Marc Anthony Cigar bar afterwards."
Skinny T: "Don't be silly! Please, it's really not a problem. I really don't feel like a long night at all. We'll be home at the latest, 23h30."
Blondie: "No, seriously. I'll follow in my car."
Skinny T: "I'll be passed your place at 8pm."

Right then.

The show was incredible and I loved seeing my girls...I would have loved to stay and party.
Thing is, I had the looming 04h30 hour on the back of my mind; that weirdly kept creeping further and further up to the front of my mind. 23h30 passed, more cocktails got ordered. Midnight arrived and the gals decided now would be a good time to get a menu for food.
Crikey.
Needless to say, I got home at 02h30. I was irritable and struggled to say "Thank you" through a very fake grin/gritted teeth.

I felt like calling them at 04h30 saying: "Moooooorning!!! Wakey, Wakey!!!!"
Ooooh, that would have been good. :-)

Oh and without sounding like a hypochondriac, I have woken up this morning with enough "sand" in my eyes, I'm sure the beaches of SA must be wondering where it all went and an incredibly sore, bruised and swollen jaw... I feel like I got into some bar brawl......... um....... ok, I'm not really sure what that would feel like, but it feels someone got in a good punch (I would imagine.) Maybe I'm beating myself up in my sleep.

PS> I have never come across so many incompetent staff members in shopping centres. Good grief people, I'm asking for the price not a pint of your blood.
Help a girl out here!

Have a wicked day... I can't WAIT to go sleep!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Small things amuse small minds!

I am killing myself laughing, to the point where I may just wet myself.
I'm going to have to get it together quickly. The loo's are down a passage, that could prove to be too long, especially when I might have to run!

I keep watching it over and over again and keep giggling like a school girl!
I think people are starting to think I'm losing it. Slowly.
Or maybe they think I can't handle my coffee or my coffee is spiked.

Gawd, I'm killing myself here.

Let me share... Wa ha ha ha ah ahha hahahahaha ahah ahaahaa ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1551346164


Go Elf yourself!

Hee hee

2nd blog today..cos I can; I'm bored and I will.

Ok, I'm just wondering. Am I the only moron working? Am I the only one keeping our economy alive? *sob*
I know someone's gotta do it, but erm, I don't remember volunteering. I don't remember being the eager beaver in the working class (excuse the pun) sticking up my hand shouting: "Pick me! Pick me!!"

Now, I'm not complaining...OK, I know you might be confused because it sounds like I am, but I am quite happy for the work. Really.
Thing is, I didn't realise I'd be the only sucker.

I'm so glad you are going away, you're going to be frollicking on the beach, getting slaughtered on summer cocktails, having sex in the sun and getting berry brown tans.
Do you have to rub it in?
I drive past families in 4x4's, with about 5 bicycles on the back, the boot is piled high so that I'm not sure the driver can see out his rearview mirror and they all have relaxed, happy looks on their faces. Move out the way! Just because you are in holiday mode with not a care in the world, it doesn't mean the rest of us are driving at 40kms. I need to get to work. Deadlines. Move your asses!

Do I sound bitter? Well bite me.

it's early.

Argh! It's way too early to be awake. Especially in the Festive Season. I'm sipping hot chocolate, staring at the clock *it's 06:14* and blinking several times trying to get rid of the sleep in my eyes.

I'm at work. Someone's gotta do it. Deadlines. Say no more.

This weekend was...um... I actually don't know. It's too early. Oh yes, I went out with my girlfriends on Friday night. It was fantastic. My stiletto's half killed me. My feet went on strike half way through the evening and the shoes ended up in the bag (classy), my gorgeous mates and I were all sing-screaming to Nelly Furtado, Timbaland and anything else we kinda knew the words to. I do remember several suitcase shots going down the throat. *shudder*

Saturday was a fragile day of a weak stomach, horrible headache and one helluva hangover!
The man dragged me to dinner with one of our mates and his new gf. I can never keep up really. If you look his name up on wikipedia, you'll find the definition of comittment phobia. Poor dude.

Speaking of dudes. My dude left this morning for Cape Town. He's touring with some bands around SA's coast. Lucky bastard.
I am gonna miss him, but I got quite a shock to my system. I felt a little relieved. Not in a "terrible-should-I-worry-about-our-relationship?" type of relief but in the "now-I-can-do-face-masks-eat-junk-food-not-cook-and-watch-all-the-girly-movies-I-want." type of relief.
Why do we (women) not do that, anyway? Seriously. Have I become one of those woman who fiercely defends woman's (and my own) independance, even if that's not exactly how things are?
God, say it isn't so. I'm fairly independant but why don't I do bubble baths and face masks when he's around? Why don't I curl up on the couch with my Cosmo (magazine and cocktail) and why don't I hire girly dvd's when he's around?
Strange. Oh well, it's time to catch up!! My female essence deserves it. :-)

Have a fab Tuesday.

Mad at the Maid.

I am furious.

I feel so upset, weepy and just completely and irritatedly gobsmacked.

My parents and I share a domestic worker. She goes to my folks on Tuesday's and Friday's and we have her on Wednesday.

This was her last week. She goes on holiday for a month...apparently.

On Wednesday I bought her a beautiful handbag and perfume for Christmas and gave her a "13th cheque."
I also told her I would give her a raise in January. Well I was a bit taken aback at how blase she seemed to be and bearly managed to mumble a thank you.

My sister calls me today, in a whisper she tells me:
"Listen, Missy just came to me and said she's very angry at you. Apparently she doesn't like her Christmas present and she's upset with the amount of money you gave her. Some of the other people she worked with gave her R2000 bonus and they gave her presents for her children."

Well I'll be damned.

Ungrateful bloody cow. I'm sorry if that seems unnecessary, but I started fuming.
I am sorry, but I do not have R2000 to give as a bonus and I didn't know it's a "norm" to buy her children things. Her kids are in their 20's.

I was so angry. We had a jumble sale not so long ago and she picked some stuff she wanted...we didn't charge her. We gave her a DVD player and a tumble dryer not so long ago too.
That's besides the point, yes, but still...

I called her up and she sounded miserable.
I said to her: "Hello Missy. I believe you are upset about the bonus we gave you and the Christmas present."
"Yes. I am."
"Well, I don't really understand when I said you are getting a raise next year and you got an extra months salary, the 13th cheque as the bonus."
Quiet.
Me: "Hello?"
Her: "I'm lissstening." she hissed.
Good grief!!!
"Well, if you are not happy working at us then you must let us know so we can find someone else. I'm not really sure what the problem is."
Quiet again.
Now...I also didn't want a CCMA case against me so I asked her to tell me what she wants to do; for her to decide.
There was no hesitation, not even an um : "You need to find someone else."
Right then. I asked her to leave the key at my mom and she said "No."
Excuse me??
"I need to come and collect my things."
"That's fine. I'll bring your things to you and collect the key."
"Fine."

At this stage I am so bewildered. What happened?

I arrived at my mom and gave Missy a packet with her clothes.
There's no thank you.
"Is everything here?" she asks.
"Yes!!!" I am so annoyed. "Do you have my key?"
"Yes." she says and continues to iron.
"Well, could I have it please." Gobsmacked.
She sulks off and I wait for 15 minutes for the key.
I then ask for the access card to our complex and she says she doesn't have one.
I gave her R60 for ID photos for the access card, which I later learnt, only cost R20.
Suddenly the story changed and she said that the guard house has it.

Hmmm...

I just feel so, so... I'm not really sure, I guess I'm just really disappointed. I'm very upset that she was so ungrateful but really it's a lot better.
Maybe now, my sugar, tea, Handy Andy, Skip and Sta-soft will last longer than 2 weeks.

Not in a chipper mood today.

Things you didn't know....

Since I'm only a few days old to blogging, I thought it would be fair to introduce myself properly:



1.)I’m sensitive. Seriously. I’m getting better, the older I get,but I will take your nasty look, your back handed compliments and more, to heart. I’ll probably/maybe sob (behind closed doors, then I’ll get over it and on with it.)

2.)I don’t like pizza. This may sound spoilt but we had pizza almost every weekend when I was a wee one and now I am just pizza’d out. However, I do like the social phrase: Come round for wine and pizza. (I’m not going to order pizza but it sounds cool.) Oh and I adore food - love the flavours and smells.

3.)That’s the other thing. I used to enjoy wine. Now I am like a soft ass who has one glass and she basically makes Paris, Britney and Lindsey; look like Mother Theresa and the Pope. So my point is, that I will tell my girlfriends to come around for some wine (another socially acceptable phrase), and the point is we will not be drinking wine UNLESS I want to get totally plastered and wake my neighbours up.

4.)I have lovely neighbours except for the snotty woman across the road who is part of the Body Corporate and is constantly snooping. Nosy little shit.

5.)I like to think I’m a party animal…I am, but suddenly I am not able to stay out til the sun comes up anymore. What is up with that? I refuse to accept the whole “age” thing. Bollocks.

6.)I like doing The People Magazine Crosswords and Suduko. Shut up about that “age” thing. (I heard that!)

7.)My family, friends and man mean the world to me and if something had to happen to them I would take revenge, I would crumble and I would kill.

8.)I like my sleep. If I don’t get enough I giggle like a school girl and if I still haven’t got any sleep I become Lucifer.

9.)I have a temper, but only with my family and man. I have no idea why. I will not say what I want and flare up at people who don’t really matter, but I will at my family. I don’t like that about me.

10.)I will cry incessantly in sad movies, at sad stories, heart warming stories and especially things about children and animals. I don’t like the news very much.

11.)I don’t understand abuse. There is no excuse.

12.)I love shopping, but strangely enough I prefer window shopping. I’m not a cheap ass but clothes shopping puts me in a mood because 9/10 I can’t find things that fit, or the sizes are ridiculous. I like shoe shopping, because THEY ALWAYS FIT. I like grocery shopping but never stick to a list.

13.)I write lists for almost everything, even packing for holidays, like, sunscreen –check, bikini- check, toothbrush -check.

14.)I will never be a Size 0 and I really give a “big up” to the ladies like Beyonce, J-LO etc… who are curvy.

15.)I am convinced my beautiful, wonderful, intelligent dog is semi human and he is like a son to me and no mom, it’s not creepy. He is incredible and strangely enough he too is sensitive despite the fact he has 2 “media hyped vicious” breeds in him, he doesn’t know it. He’s more placid than a Labrador.

16.)My amazing mom is convinced I’m still 5 years old and as much as I get irritated by her calling my home to tell me a storm is coming and I should close my windows; I would miss it if she didn’t. She is the most wonderful woman I know.

17.)I am pleased my sister and I are bonding again. We lost our way as teenagers but things are different now and I’m really happy.

18.) My parents are still together and it's wonderful!

19.) My dad is such an incredible man and father and I really was blessed when I landed him as a dad. He never missed a hockey match or a school play and it means the world to me.

18.)I have an incredible man who annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but then I guess I irritate the shit out of him, so we’re square. He’s awesome. I'm so in love and I hope he proposes one day…soon.

19.)I do a lot for charity. It makes me feel good and I want to know I could have made a difference or just put a smile on someones face.

20.)I thank God every day for my blessings.

21.)I am a good, loving person who always tries to go out of her way to help, to be there for people, to be respectful and to make me people smile and laugh.

22.)I can be a walkover, though.

23.)I can be misunderstood and for some reason people do think I’m unintelligent because of my hair colour.

24.)I am fun. Yes. Seriously. Ask my friends.

25.)Oh and while you’re asking them, they’ll tell you that I have a contagious laugh. See? Now I don’t seem vain. LOL.

26.)I am incredibly loyal.

27.)I blush so quickly. I go completely pink and feel as if I could warm a small village from my face alone.

28.) If there was a Sweet Tooth Society, I'd be President. Problem = I am sugar intolerant. It was a dark day when my doctor told me this. I really struggle to stay away from chocolate and sweets but I'm better...sort of.

That's me...take me or leave me :-)

Bad mood Blondie

This is my second blog today... Go me!

I am sitting at work with a packet of Nik-Naks(yummy little orange treats) hoping they going to make me feel better. I wish I had something yummier, like cake or a bar-one. Mmmm. I'm craving chocolate.

Anyway, I've bloody had it with traffic. I work in Sandton and it's grid-locked. I am loving Eskom's Load Shedding. I cannot take this anymore. Traffic lights out EVERYWHERE. I heard on the news that we should expect Load shedding to continue for the next 5 years. Say what???!!!???
I worry that our crime rate is going to sky rocket from road rage.
I know I suffer from road rage and it's a problem. It really is. I need to constantly count to 10, 11, 25...50.

I'm in a bad mood today. Can you tell?

"Dear 13 year old Blondie" MEME

Here it goes Natalie..:-) I got tagged to write a letter to my 13 year old self... It's a lot harder than it sounds but I gave it a shot!

Dear 13 year old Blondie,

You are beautiful, you are a good, caring person and yes you are sensitive but never let that jade you. You are growing up and you will learn. The lessons will be hard and you will cry a good few times but each tear is not in vain.

Every time you doubt yourself, know that it’s natural but never allow it to hurt you or to make you feel inadequate.

Those bitchy girls who will mock you, laugh at you or laugh behind your back, who want to hurt you are jealous. Yes, your mom is right – no matter how many times you roll your eyes.
Those girls are jealous of you. They want to make you feel insecure but the only reason is because they are insecure and need to put you down to make themselves feel better. They are shallow and you have substance. They want what you have. Don’t allow them the satisfaction. You will meet boys who will give you that funny, tingly feeling in your tummy. You are all teenagers and hormones are involved. Most guys want one thing and one thing only no matter how much they tell you they love you. Boys make you feel wonderful and they will make you cry. You will find a good man who loves, treasures and respects you. You will not die if he breaks up with you. He wasn’t good enough for you anyway.
You will want to fit in; you will want to feel part of the crowd. Just make sure it’s a good crowd. Peer pressure is true; “friends” who use peer pressure are not.
Your parents love you so much and they want to protect you. You will fight with them, you will hate them, and you will think they are the most unfair creatures on the planet. You will thank them.

Things that seem so important right now, like what you are wearing, how perfect your skin is etc will not matter in the long run. No one will remember if you had a huge volcano on your nose. People will remember how funny, kind and caring you are. Enjoy being young. Enjoy being a teenager. Life gets harder. Don’t rush it. Before you know it you will be an adult and it won’t be all it’s cracked up to be in your teen mind. Being an adult is wonderful, but it’s very different from how you originally perceived it.
You cannot blame anyone for your mistakes. It is not your Maths teachers fault that you failed the Geometry test. It is not your parents fault. Study hard because it does matter.
Don’t be afraid to ask question and, to ask for advice. Just trust your gut feel as to who you actually ask, be sure you can trust their advice and answers.

Be yourself and don’t be afraid to be yourself. You are incredible. Believe in yourself, because if you don’t no-one else will. Don't allow anyone to mock your dreams no matter how big or small or "ridiculous" they may seem because you're the one dreaming them, not them and who is to judge? Besides, everything you set to mind to, you achieve, so go for it!
Listen to people. Keep your head on your shoulders and stay grounded - that's attractive.
You are beautiful, smart, incredible, and strong. Never underestimate yourself!

Love Blondie (from the future)

Meme's..

Ok, so I feel very honoured that I have been tagged in 2 blogs, especially since I am so new to this site :-) Thank you Ruby and Natalie!

Ruby, you tagged me first and since my i-Pod isn't working I decided I'd use the radio (even though it took a few hours waiting for the songs and it was over an interrupted period too...I think that's shuffled enough, right? Here goes...according to 94.7 Highveld Stereo's playlist :-)

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
Mary J. Blige- Just Fine (ha ha)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Sean Kingston - Me Love

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Nickleback - Rockstar (YES!! ha ha ha)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Britney Spears -Gimme More

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (ha ha)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mutya Bwena (excuse the spelling) - Just a little bit

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Gwen Stefani - 4 in the morning (hee hee)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS
Timbaland -Apologise (yikes!)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN
Hoobastank -The reason (it's very strange -ha ha)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Katharine McPhee - Love Story

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND
Tasha Baxter - The Journey :-)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE
Mario - How do I breathe (shit this is freaky)

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Simple Plan - When I'm gone (um......creepy)

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Kylie Minogue - 2 hearts

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Louise Carver - The Only thing (oh my word!!)

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Driverlane -Radio (haha)

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING
Robbie Williams - LoveLight

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL
Karen Zoid - Aeroplane Jane (no, come on...that's weird)

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Shaine Ward - No, you hang up (hahaha)

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Fuzigish - I'm not supposed to be here
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Nicole (pussy cat doll) - Baby Love

22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS
Nelly Furtado - In God's Hands

Now that was seriously freaky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a sucker for punishment

I really am. I get abused rudely by this horrible woman (hairdresser), I even BLOG about it and then what do I do? I take her up on her horribly rude offer and get my hair done.
Yes, I know!!! I am an idiot who obviously really likes punishment and people being rude to her.
It really bothered me though. I know this seems incredibly stupid but really, this woman who means JACK SHIT in my life actually bothered me enough to get my hair done the "right" way.

So I walked in and she says: "Oh excellent! I'm soooo glad you decided to come through so we can fix that!" pointing at my blonde locks.
I smile thinly.
She starts explaining what she has in mind, you know, like highlighting my natural colour to make my natural blonde "POP", and then she mentions something about putting dark streaks in.
Hold. The. Bus.
"Um, excuse me... I do not want any brown streaks. I like my blonde colour and I'd like to keep it as natural as possible, seeing as I am a dying breed of au natural blondes. All I want is a few highlights."
Her little beady eyes narrow (I didn't think it was possible) and she says: "Dahling. I know hair and I knoooow what suits a face, ok?"
"Ok."I say, annoyed at how wimp-like I'm being.

The colours start being added to my hair and within 30 minutes I look like some alien with all the foil on my head.
She finishes her final foil highlight and then stands back to look at me.
"Wow. You're wearing make-up today. Gosh, it's amazing what make-up can do for someone."
Well that was IT! I was fucking furious!!!
Who the fuck is this woman? I don't know her and she doesn't know me.
It also happens to be a day where I am cramping like a bitch with PMS. Excellent.
I just, calmly and sweetly, said to her, "Not everyone needs make-up and I'm one of the lucky ones."
Ok, I know! It wasn't exactly cutting edge or as witty as I would have liked but for starters, I was shocked and it was the best I could do under the shock.

Well admittedly, my hair colour came out beautifully (even with the light brown streaks) and then it was time to cut and blow.
I asked for a trim and to blow wave straight. Well I got a few cm's off and my hair is curly - it's been curled so much I look like a poppie! I said to her: "Um, I'm not sure about the curls..."
"Yes daaahling, but they'll drop! Trussst me! I am an expert with hair."
"Yes, um, quite. Thing is, you may be an expert on hair; but I'm an expert on my hair! My hair is wavy and curls don't "drop" they stay put without hairspray."

But let me tell you...the instant turn around of this bitches attitude was incredible.
Suddenly the compliments were pouring in and it was like I had transformed into her new BFF!
"You see? I told you it would suit you!"
"Yes, thank you very much! I do appreciate it and since you suggested I come to you, I really appreciate the complimentary do!" I smiled ever so sweetly at her.
"Oh..um...yes...well....um..."
AT LAST! This cow was on the back foot!

I know that was a really scaly and bitchy thing to do and ordinarily I would never dream of doing something like that, but I had just HAD it with her!

At least I got my hair done for free...I'd like to think of it as compensation for her rudeness.

PS>Ruby babe, I still haven't done the meme yet but I haven't listened to the radio yet! Will do it soon!

I need a weekend

FROM the weekend!!
Let me just start by saying that Saturday's Christmas/Year End "Lunch" was fantastic! Really just excellent!
I out did myself too. My friends call me "Florence" because I have a tendency to nurse my drinks. I enjoy alcohol, I just don't do too well at drinking it quickly. I prefer to sip on them and as a result I normally have one drink to everyone elses 4th.
'nuff said.
I started drinking at midday and ended at midnight! What a jol!! Shooters were flying and I did very well by not even feeling a little drunk. Total lie, ok, but I wasn't cotching my lungs out and passed out in a compromising position like some people I know! Or so I thought... I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like a truck had used my head as a speed bump...slowly driving forwards and backwards. I had a missed call on my phone and listened to the voice mail.
"Blondie!!! Wow! You're just one big party gal aren't you? Holy shit girl. You had us all in stitches! Thanks for the jol!"
Um....

How was I funny? What did I do? I couldn't think of anything that particularly stood out but then again the only thing racing through my brain was a small painful thud-thud; thud-thud; thud-thud. I popped 2 old faithfuls (Grandpa tablets) and went in search of a greasy breakfast.
What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? I kept muttering to myself over and over.
I thought I was rather well behaved.
I numbly sat watchin TV and slowly but surely (after a few hours) little patches started emerging.
Oh. Dear. God!
I think I sat blushing on the couch for a good half an hour.
I think I pretended to be a rockstar groupie asking everyone...no, screaming out to everyone to sign my boob! I know I didn't yank it out but still! Shit shit shit shit shit.
Please don't let me have asked my boss. Pleeeeaassse!!!!!
Ah yes but I'm obviously being punished. I walk into the office today and the first person I run into would be Mr. Boss.
"Great party hey Blondie?"
I instantly go red. I really must see what I can do about removing that gland (or whatever.)
"Yes, it was awesome! Thank you!" I say, a little too eagerly.
"Have a good day...rockstar!"
FUCK!

I like to think of myself as a lady and not just any lady, a classy one. What is happening to me? Have I been bitten by the Silly Season Bug? BEST it be over and SOON.

PS> Ruby I'll do the meme but um... I don't have an i-pod that works (it's on my To-Do-List to fix) do CD's count? Or the radio? Hmmm... the radio could be fun, although it would take half a day to wait for each song for each Q.
PPS> Read Ruby's blog, you'll understand if you don't.
PPPS> You owe me Ruby for free advertising! LOL ;-)

P-A-R-T-Y!

Oh! I forgot to mention that it's my Office Christmas Party tomorrow. We normally do it on the premises but tomorrow afternoon we are going somewhere else FOR "LUNCH"...it will probably be a LIQUID LUNCH for most. It's quite a fancy place but the restaurant is out in the open...around other shops and restaurants. Does that make any sense?

Firstly: What.were.they.thinking?

We are LOUD, a large crowd and we get OUT OF COnTrOL!!!

Secondly: We are LOUD, a large crowd and we get OUT OF COnTrOL!!!

I don't think we will ever be allowed back, some of us will probably be banned from the centre, which will prove to be a problem when we need to go back to retrieve our names we threw away.

Prohep is already on standby. H-E-L-P M-E!!

Bad Hair Day

I woke up this morning to my alarm clock/cellphone that sings out "La Bamba" LOUDLY. Mr.G rolled over, groaning: "Whyyyy does your alarm clock have to be so loud? Shit Blondie. I can never get back to sleep."
Blondie: "Well, guess it's successful then, hey?"
Mr. G: "Sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

I slunk out of bed, into the shower that nearly took my first layer of skin off, it was that hot. I obviously turned the tap a bit too far to the left. I let out the biggest scream that I'm sure the neighbours woke up after that.
Mr. G was in bed, cigarette in mouth glaring at me when I, the pink lobster, came out.
Mr.G: " I'm awake now."
It's best not to say anything.

I was off to a Charity, Gals only Breakfast. You could win a make-over worth R200 000. That would have been fabulous and needed, but I was there to support my mates - one was in the fashion show and one actually organised the breakfast.

Well, I don't know if it was just one of those days, if it was the weather or people just need a holiday but wow the bitchiness-with-a-smile was flowing today.
You know that bitchiness; they say bitchy things to you, smiling, so you can't actually react to it.

Now I know that the people at the breakfast are "professionals" but wow, give a girl a break. It's raining, I am not blessed with dead straight hair and it's EARLY, for F sakes.
I get this woman from a hair salon who says to everyone: 90% of the women in this room have the wrong hair style and wrong colour.
Well, that wasn't taken very well. The sales pitch failed just because us sensitive souls didn't like our manes being insulted.
Now, I happen to like my blonde hair. I get compliments on my hair, OK?
After the breakfast, the same woman comes to me, looks me up and down and then puts the smile on.
"Daaaahling, are you happy with your hair?"
I'm sipping coffee and I nearly spluttered it out onto her. Should have.
"Um, excuse me?"
"Your hair. Are you happy with it?" she looks at my head, scrutinizing it.
"Yes, why?" I immediately touch it, like it may have fallen out or turned green.
"Hmmm." she says disapprovingly. "Here's my card. You should come and see me."
She smiles and walks off.
I'm a sensitive soul and I LIKE my hair very much. COW!
I was not impressed.

Then, my incredible friend Bunny (the one in the show) and I went bra shopping. I finally found something that fits, gives the...uh... necessary support and my noombies don't look like Madonna cones. I'm browsing for matching panties when one of the store assistants comes up to me and says:
"Are you ok?" smiling again.
"Yes, thank you!" I say, assuming she's asking if I need help in the bra department...(ok, no pun intended.)
"It's cool in here hey?"
"Um, no I think it's a bit humid."
NO HESITATION.
"Oh. Are you one of those who sweats alot?" Looking at my forehead and hair (again)
"Excuse me?"
She smiles and walks away.
I picked up anything close enough to get into the change rooms so that I could see what she's talking about and my hair was a little damp around my face.
For fuck sakes. It's RAINING outside. It's not SWEAT, I JUST DON'T HAVE AN UMBRELLA, ELLA, ELLA EH EH EH!! OK??????????
It didn't end there.
As walked out the change room, that suddenly had a queue, I popped the thing I had taken to "try on" and put it on the "not-taking-it" hanger.
I heard a snigger. Turning around I looked to see what was happening. The ladies were all looking at me and then the hanger.
A pair of red crotchless panties were swinging from side to side.
Mortifying!

My 3 hours...

consisted of Toys. Lots of them! Goodness. I felt like a little kiddie winkle again. My company is doing something very sweet and giving. They have chosen an orphanage and taken pictures of all the little children, written their ages and what they want from Santa and we had to choose one orphan and buy the pressies they asked for.
So, I chose a little 7 year old boy called Musa who wants: A soccer ball, clothes and sweeties.

It's very sweet. I entered Toy Zone today to get a soccer ball. Yes, well. I was enthralled. My God! Why didn't they have toys like that when I was an ankle biter? There are no wee ones in our family, so I'm not really around toys so this was education for me today.
I know I was supposed to be in the boys section, but all the pink in the corner of the store was some sort of magnet attracting me to it. Bratz. How fabulous? I think I need to get me one of those, just for my dressing table. They are just too cute.
Ahem...what has happened to Barbie? Her face is different. Completely different. She looks bitchy, almost. And since when, does Ken have brown hair? All my Ken's had blonde hair.
Apparently in 1993, Barbie dolls got given a belly button.* Interesting/Useless fact.*
There's even one Barbie that talks. Seriously, her mouth and cheeks move and she says stupid things like: "Hey Girl" and "Let's Party!"

Then I moved onto the Tickle Me Elmo. Well I sat poking his stomach through the hole in the plastic that says: TRY ME. It amused me for about 20 minutes.
I left eventually after my "Wows and Oooohs and Oh coool's" when moms gave me weird looks. "No lady, I'm not after your child, I just happen to be a big one myself!"
I wanted to say that to one woman who eyed me out with her beady little, heavily mascara'd eyes; but I didn't.

I suddenly realised that if I ever have children, I'm going to be the one struggling to teach them that "Sharing is Caring."
I can picture it now:
Future kid: Mommy, I wanna play with it!
Me, as Future Mom: Just wait a minute, I'm playing first!

Oh dear Lord.

I put my Christmas tree up this morning. It's up, the little fairy lights are blinking at me but it looks odd. Is it really the 6th of December? I mean, really. 19 days til Christmas - shit.
It doesn't feel like Christmas time and no corny, horribly scratched Boney-M Christmas Carol CD playing in the shops, is going to change that.
Every year I want to make that Christmas special. Each year I fail. I always imagine my home to have that cosy, Christmassy feel to it, with pretty decor; smell of red wine and mince pies wafting through; candles alit; parties with all my mates and yet that little dream bubble is always popped. The mates are away, mince pies don't smell unless they're off and that's not pretty, the place can't be cosy when it's the middle of Summer (although, that's also debatable with this shitty weather) and I can't make the home feel Christmassy when I'm not in the mood. I'm also not one of those who gets the Shopping done 3 months in advance. I say every year that: This year I'm going to be prepared. Every year I'm the mad blonde woman running around frantically with that "don't mess with me or get in my way. You'll be sorry" look in her eye.

Sheesh, aren't I just a barrel of smiles?

PS> Thanks Ruby for your help with my Blondies Best Blogs list. I didn't realise how many blogs I read until I did the list. I really need to do more work :-)

PPS> Thanks for reading.

Themeless

I totally ROCK! Seriously. No room for modesty here. I rule! I totally rule the Poker table.
I played against 9 MEN, some of them are seasoned players. Me? Last night, was my second time and it was fabulous! Ok, I came 4th, but STILL, I ruled but knocking 6 men off the table!
*Blondie takes a bow*

"Luck be a lady tonight..."

Fuck me, but was that a storm last night, or was that a storm? Shit, these storms are getting worse!
It's like the end of the world, everytime! The wind is angry, the rain comes down like grey sheets so you can see jack shit and the sky looks purplish grey and threatening to end the world.
I had to drive home in that last night in my poor little 1.2 car that leaks through the windscreen and basically gets swept off the road in a slight breeze. It was fun. F-U-N!

So I'm fairly new to this blogging site and I have had such an incredible time reading all your blogs!
If your funny, slightly brilliant writing continues, I'm going to need a packet of Depends before my time!

Excellent, just excellent!

Ok and now, since this blog has had absolutely no theme, I thought I'd throw in a Question.
You see, I want to add some of your blogs to my reading list...i.e on the side of my blog, like most of you have. I've been to Settings and I've put Add link and yet it will not pop up by my page...why? What am I doing wrong?
All you wise, vetinary bloggers, help a BLONDE out please!!

Ciao for now
x

McDonalds Cheesy Pick up Line

This was certainly a first for me.

I went to the McDonalds today and arrived at the wrong time. The drive-thru queue was close to a km long, so I decided to park and go inside quickly. I was going to just eat the burger in my car, but decided I'd sit down there.

So there I am, stuffing the McChicken in my mouth, mayo dripping from the corners of my mouth and acting as if I hadn't seen food in days (I didn't realise how hungry I was) when this man came to my table and promptly sat down.My irritation flared up.

He only had one of the "tall, dark and handsome" traits. He was dark. He also had an accent that could have been Italian or Portuguese, maybe even Greek.

I instantly nick named him Pest-o.

Pest-o: "Hello there. If I could ask, you are not from South Africa, yes?"

Me: "I am, yes."

Pest-o: "Ah, but from where?"

Me: "Joburg."

Pest-o: "Interesting. You are not like other girls. You are, far more beautiful."

Me (wiping away mayo from mouth): "Thank you."

Pest-o: "Could I have your number, so that maybe we can talk."

Me: "No, I'm sorry. I'm engaged."

Pest-o: "But you have no ring."

CRAP.

Me: "It's um... ah... being sized."

Pest-o gave one of those smiles. I promise I'm not making this up. A gold tooth glared back at me and if it could have that little "triiing" shiny sound (like in the cheesy movies), there would have been a flash and a triiing.

Cringe factor.

He slinked away and I lost my appetite. Good thing I suppose, because McDonalds is not on my diet (unfortunately.)

I entertained the thought for a while. Guys always think that they should receive Noddy Badges for growing a pair and coming up to talk to girls , but there is a time and a place. Seriously.

Let's just say I gave him my number, he called, we decided to meet, the first date turned into a second or 5th, we have a long relationship and we get married. What would we tell people/our children/grandchildren?"Oh, you know, we met at McDonalds. It was really romantic. He sat down and asked me if I was from SA, while my mouth was crammed with McChicken."CLASSY! Um, I think not.

I went back to High school -yes, really.

No. Not to learn, but as the guest of honour/past pupil blah blah. *I heard that smirk!*
I was actually quite surprised that I was called out of all the pupils to call. My first thought : What do they want?
Gosh I'm cynical!

It was prize giving and I had to hand over the certificates and trophies. It was such a bitter sweet thing though. So many bitter sweet memories! The building has changed but the tuckshop was still the same (too many memories there) and so were the "playgrounds" and teachers. Most of them seem to have stayed in a time capsule.... called Botox. Ok, I don't know if they have but damn, I felt like I was watching the Bold and the Beautiful where Brooke still looks the same even though the soapie is 20 years in.
*Crap - did I just admit to being a B&B watcher? - I don't watch all the time, OK? OK?*

Anyway, back to the point. I was surprised at a lot of things, like:

1.) The teachers were all so nice and told me to call them by their names. Now, that was just strange and I just can't get my head around that. It was a case of: "Mrs. Gray, I mean, um... um... Heather." Nah, just sounds wrong. So no one got called anything.

2.) Seeing how young and little the girls were, I mean did I look that young and innocent back at school?

3.) Walking in and having the pupils say: "Good morning M'aam"
Say what?? Ok, wow, I feel like I just aged another 7 years!

4.) Having my hair down in assembly. It just felt wrong even after all these years.


So yes, it was an interesting morning. I felt very old and grown up. It's an odd feeling.

Bits and Blogs...

Well I have no idea how this really works... I mean, I read so many peoples blogs and they all seem to comment, they seem to read each others...so how on earth does this work? I feel like I'm in the outcast circle of Bloggers. How do you get into the "inner circle"?
Ha ha! Good grief, am I having flashbacks to school? Dear Lord let's hope not!

46664 - what a bloody marvelous concert! Shit it was good. The SA bands were incredible, they really held their own and quite frankly you just can't really tell who was international anymore! Well bloody done!
To see Madiba in the flesh, well, what can I say? I had goose bumps on top of goose bumps! I will never forget that!!

This weekend really was excellent, except for the fact that I need a weekend from the weekend!! My weekend actually started on Phuza Thursday aka Girls Night! 1 word described that: Debaucherous!
I have learnt that: 5 girls + countless shooters = high-pitched giggles, dancing on tables and an unbelievable craving for Fontana's at 03h30 (bless them for being open 24 hours!)

I'm feeling a little fragile today and I have a funny feeling it's going to be a loooong week!

Ok, well, any help would be great thank you...how does this whole thingy mabob work?



No holiday for me until the 30th of December. Shit.

Fits of flabbiness

I really tried to keep fit , ok no, let's be honest.I really tried to start exercising in winter so that by the time summer arrived I'd have no winter flab. No muffin top. *the roll of fat over the jeans that looks like the lip of the muffin...a yummy choc chip muffin*What a disaster! I am queen at procrastination and excuse making - it was too cold or I was too busy or I had no energy from the party the night before or I had just had my hair done and didn't want to get it all sweaty (that's the kugel excuse) etc etc etc.

It's almost like Mother Nature snapped her fingers and we have gone from having weather out of the freezer to the oven. It almost feels like we skipped spring all together and rocketed straight into Summer.With all of this said, we reach disaster number 2: I can no longer get away with covering the white wobbly bits in several warm layers of vests, jerseys and jackets. Oh no! Gone are the days of hiding. Now I have to peel the layers off and expose the evidence I call Winter Insulation!I have thought about keeping the layers on so that I can sweat so badly I will literally melt away and be thin! That could also be incredibly revolting and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least the weather is (warmer) BOILING HOT, so it's not like I'm exactly craving the Hot chocolates, slap chips, stews and copious amounts of bread! I want to eat salad and sushi *yummy*I have also decided I want to go on a sabbatical for a month from alcohol! I have heard it is an incredible way to get rid of 3 or 4 kgs! EXCELLENT! It's a start!I know it can be done, but it will be a challenge. There are too many parties and events to attend, so I have a game plan *every smart girl has one*

I am going to drink a long drink of Appletizer. It's sugar free (great because I'm sugar intolerant), it's delicious and it has that golden colour that makes people think it's alcohol.Excellent.So I think I'm going to blog this now...and see how I do! I promise to be honest!

Ok. Back to the exercise issue. I have tried every fad from spinning to gym, to pole-dancing *yes you read that correctly - my girlfriends and I decided to do a 3 month course and if nothing came from it at least we would have a 6-pack tummy from all the laughing* and Bikram Yoga nearly killed me. I also can't imagine doing it now in this heat, in a 40 degree room.My favourite form of exercise is Boxing. No, not kick boxing! I would have said that then.
I do Boxing, with the strapped hands, gloves, punching bag, skipping for 10 minutes etc etc etc...It is the only thing that really works for me! I love it...problem is.. I do not have the time. I literally don't. No excuse this time, I just cannot make the set classes in the morning or the evening so I'm literally screwed!Shitty shit shit!

Any suggestions? HELP!