Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm scared

to get into my car. It's my little safe bubble. It's my space where I sing loudly and dance like an idiot in my car, forgetting people can actually see me. Why? Because it's my safe haven.

It got violated last night on my way home for work and without sounding too dramatic I'm lucky to be alive.
It was pissing down with rain and I was stuck in traffic. I had cars infront of me, behind me and next to me. I was alert at the red light and as I looked around me I noticed two men sitting in the rain. I looked around towards the other side and when I looked back again I saw the guy up against my window, cupping his hands and peering in. I, naive, gullible, stupid even, thought he was asking for directions. I didn't wind down my window; but I waved him off. He then begged for money and I FELT SORRY FOR HIM drenched in the rain etc. My handbag with MY LIFE IN IT was hidden under the seat. I bent down to get it out to give the guy some money when I noticed the second guy peering into my passenger backseat window. That sudden realisation as to what was happening was sickening and I felt the most unbelievable FEAR.
I started hooting and screaming, hitting my window to tell the guy to get away. He stepped away and then turned around and put his fist through my window and lurched into my car. The glass smashed into a million pieces and I screamed blue murder. My instant reaction was: "It's mine!" and grabbed my handbag. Stupid. He tried to slap me but I dodged out the way and that's when he reached into his jacket to either pull out a gun or a knife. I didn't want to find out so I let go and he pulled my handbag out of my window and ran. He would have hurt me or killed me for my handbag. My life was nothing to him. The realization fo that is something I cannot come to terms with.
Rain poured into the shattered window and I stopped at the BP Garage 200m ahead.
Shaking, crying and the realisation as to what had just happened sunk in. I got out my car and just started crying and shouting for anyone to help me with a phone. I panicked and nothing was rational.
A car had pulled up next to me and this guy, Joe ( I found out later) came to my rescue. He had been in front of my car. His radio had been blearing and the rain was loud. He couldn't see anything but he heard something and turned his radio off, that's when he heard my screaming through the rain. My throat is sore today from screaming so hard.
There were 4 other people who were smash and grabbed at the same spot.

I feel shocked and violated and traumatic. I have lost some incredible valuable things that I will never be able to get back, like the hand written letter I received from the Guide Dog Association when my puppy made it. I keep it in my wallet.
My wallet, cellphone, ID and Drivers, new sunglasses (I saved up for), work access tags, credit cards and bank cards, my entire make-up kit, which I had JUST restocked and more. Oh yes, I had also drawn my last few hundred rand. Pay day is the 25th and so I thought I'd draw it all so that I wouldn't need to constantly go to the bank. I'm broke now. I don't have a cent to my name.
It's not what I lost, yes it's fucking annoying, expensive to replace and time consuming like getting a new license and's the WAY it was taken from me.

I really didn't think I would be so affected by this. I am shocked, traumatized and angry! I am so petrified to get into my car and drive home tonight. Every time someone comes up to sell me fruit or hand me a flyer I freak out. I've been close to having a panic attack and I'm weepy all the time.
"They" always say you should have a plan and you should act in a certain way... there isn't any time to act out the "plan".

I reported everything and the Police Inspector actually described the place and person. What the FUCK?? Apparently this happens all the time and it's a Smash&Grab HOT SPOT. A fucking SIGN is going to go up to warn people. Thanks a fucking lot!
While I was reporting the incident, 3 other people arrived to report the same thing. They had been hurt. I was lucky.
That also makes me angry...our South African mentality is shit. Gosh I am so lucky I wasn't killed, yes BUT.... are we listening to ourselves?
We don't go to the police station to report an incident so that the police can go and find the assholes and arrest them...NO. We report incidents because we need a case number so we can blacklist our phones and stop sim cards from being used.
It's messed up.

I'm ranting and getting this all off my chest, because I am angry and I'm upset and I'm petrified.

On a lighter note, I hope you get lots of Easter eggs, you're safe and blessed!


The Divine Miss M said...

Oh my honey! I am so sorry to hear that!

*big hugs*

I these wankers who violate us like this. And to me it isn't even the objects that are taken as they are always replacible it is the little things that mean nothig to them but mean the world to us.

Like your guide dog paper.

I once lost the most important photo ever to me as some tosser stole my wallet. I would have given him everything in it if he had just given me that one thing.

Please don't let it affect your life. That is when the assholes win.


Len said...

It's possible to SMASH a car window with the FIST? Holy shit.

It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do now... *hugs*

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Thanks Miss M! You're right, I certainly don't want these assholes winning!

I'm better today...still shaky and nervous but it'll take time!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Len, apparently they hold a spark plug in their hand and hit the window with fist and spark plug... it's beautiful! Just BEAUTIFUL!!

I have to get my car cleaned thoroughly...I have blood all over it from this asshole bleeding!!

ChewTheCud said...

That just plain fucking sucks hun! It's screwed up that you're supposed to feel lucky to be alive, but you're strong hun - just take it as par for the course here in South Africa and move on.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh babe, I AM so sorry. I can completely relate, and get how you feel about having your safe haven violated. My thoughts are with you and I hope you come out of it in a few days feeling strong again. It takes time, and a lot of hugs - so sending you LOTS OF THOSE!

Also if you can, perhaps get a trauma debriefing at therapy. It helps just make sense of what you're feeling etc. What pricks, I'm so sorry they did this to you too - fuck them, they have no idea what it does to a person. It makes me so angry!

Anyway, my thoughts are with you honey. xxxx

KaB said...

Oh dear...sorry to hear that! It's complete & utter bullshit that crime has become a part of life & because we can't 'really' do anything about it (like defend ourselves...why...cos we'd go to jail for abuse & violence etc) we're kind of stuck with it! Driving in cars & walking in parking lots, shopping centres (you name ie) you're a constant target! I often feel that I'm driving the crime gauntlet because of all the shit that goes down!

Honestly, I want to do something about it, as I'm sure most do, but am absolutely clueless bar shoving a gun in their face & blowing their brains out!

I really hope that you are okay! And yes, you are lucky to be alive!

Those fuckers! Am sending bad karma in direction of smash & grabbers!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Thanks Chew the Cud! I appreciate're right, we have a very weird mentality in SA!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Thanks Peas! I read your blog a week ago and I tried to imagine myself in that situation... I think I imagined a little too well, because a few days later it happened to me and I finally understood EVERYTHING you had written!

I definitely think I need to go for some trauma councelling...didn't think I would need it but I'm so neurotic that I need it!!
Thanks for your lovely, supportive comment -it means a lot!!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Amen Kab! It's sick, sick, SICK!!

I do NOT want to live like this and I certainly don't want to raise children (one day) in this country with this fear...i's terrorism! Thanks're a peach! x

phillygirl said...

Sheesh, that's an awful story. It is frightening to me just how many people this is happening to lately (happened to my friend Pianogirl on her way home from her engagement party!!)

I really hope you get your safe feeling back, because it's awful to not have that!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Thanks Phillygirl! Isn't it so sad? Sorry to hear about your friend!

I don't have the safe feeling yet and I feel very unsettled but hopefully all will return to normal!!