Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I'm a horrible person.

I don't know how long it's been since I was in my smash and grab...perhaps it was a month ago, longer, maybe??
I am still jumpy and neurotic when I approach a red traffic light, but I'm so much better than I used to be!

Last night I was driving home, the street lights were also out so it was darker than usual. I was aware as I approached the traffic lights and kept looking around me. I got one hell of a fright as I turned the other way and saw this man coming towards my car.
My. heart. stopped.

I looked straight into his eyes and had an obvious look of fear, panic and terror on my face.
He moved passed my car and the sudden jolt that he was just trying to cross the street to get to the taxi so he could go home, was a mixture of relief and unbelievable guilt.
The look on his face as he realised and saw what I had so obviously been thinking, has been tattoed into my memory.
He looked at me with such contempt and written all over his face was: I'm NOT a criminal.
He looked so insulted and so he should have been.

I have never felt so bad. I felt so guilty and terrible that it made me feel a little ill. I felt like the biggest racist. I'm not. Not in the slightest!
It bothered me that he looked at me like I was a typical white girl assuming that all black men are criminals.
Thing is, had I been smash and grabbed by another race, I would have had the same reaction if that race came walking by.
It has nothing to do with race, but I felt awful. Really, really awful.

I wish we lived in a safe country. We wouldn't live in fear, we wouldn't look at everyone so suspiciously and we would maybe be a lot less stressed.

On a happier note, I'm going to watch the Big Fat Mel Miller Comedy Show tonight at the Teatro at Monte Casino! I'm super excited. I really do need a good laugh!!


KaB said...

Dude...we're all like that at the moment...anyone can be a killer...smash & grabber or's unfortunate what happened but you'll get over it!

Look...the way the dude looked at you...if he was white/ coloured/ indian or would have done the just wan't the most fortunate circumstance that is was a black person! Believe me, you'll stop looking at people like that!

sweets said...

i know how that feels... shit awful feeling!

enjoy the show tonight~ i'm totally jealous!!!

Tamara said...

Sigh... I think that all too many of us understand where you're at.

Enjoy the show.

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Thanks Kab, Sweets, Tamara!! That makes me feel better... South African mentality is terrible that way, but it is realistic. If we let our guard down, we are a target!

It's dreadful!!

ChewTheCud said...

I have no idea why you're feeling guilty. Need I remind you of this?
The reality is that this is South Africa, and there's a 50% chance that the guy walking towards your car at night is gonna rob you. Read the news - they spraying people with pool acid now if your windows open.

I say screw em. Guy wants to get upset cos you thought he was a thief, let him. The only reason this happened at all is cos you weren't being uber cautious and slowing down way before the robot, waiting for it to go green.

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Chewthe cud, you are sooo right!! Thank you for that... I re-read my post and all the emotions came back! I don't feel so bad now!

Thank you.