I'm a horrible person.

I don't know how long it's been since I was in my smash and grab...perhaps it was a month ago, longer, maybe??
I am still jumpy and neurotic when I approach a red traffic light, but I'm so much better than I used to be!

Last night I was driving home, the street lights were also out so it was darker than usual. I was aware as I approached the traffic lights and kept looking around me. I got one hell of a fright as I turned the other way and saw this man coming towards my car.
My. heart. stopped.

I looked straight into his eyes and had an obvious look of fear, panic and terror on my face.
He moved passed my car and the sudden jolt that he was just trying to cross the street to get to the taxi so he could go home, was a mixture of relief and unbelievable guilt.
The look on his face as he realised and saw what I had so obviously been thinking, has been tattoed into my memory.
He looked at me with such contempt and written all over his face was: I'm NOT a criminal.
He looked so insulted and so he should have been.

I have never felt so bad. I felt so guilty and terrible that it made me feel a little ill. I felt like the biggest racist. I'm not. Not in the slightest!
It bothered me that he looked at me like I was a typical white girl assuming that all black men are criminals.
Thing is, had I been smash and grabbed by another race, I would have had the same reaction if that race came walking by.
It has nothing to do with race, but I felt awful. Really, really awful.

I wish we lived in a safe country. We wouldn't live in fear, we wouldn't look at everyone so suspiciously and we would maybe be a lot less stressed.

On a happier note, I'm going to watch the Big Fat Mel Miller Comedy Show tonight at the Teatro at Monte Casino! I'm super excited. I really do need a good laugh!!