Special K's wedding

The wedding was something out of a movie. Perfect in every way. She was the calmest bride ever, except when one of the bridesmaids had that Rimmel Instant Tan Shimmer on her hands and nearly tripped. Had she tripped she would have landed on her neatly laid out wedding dress.
Oh the dress! It was absolutely GORGEOUS!! It was LITERALLY made for her and I got all teary to see my friend in her wedding gown. I have realised that she is far too modest as far as her dressing for her figure goes. We (the bridesmaids) were gawking at her waist. I couldn't resist and eventually asked her: "Um.... where exactly do your organs go? There is no room for your spleen, liver, intestines etc..."
She had the tiniest waist I have ever seen in my life. Barbie size proportions with sexy hips and a sexy bum. I was not perving over my friend (I've just re-read this and it could get some men rather excited) but I was definitely astonished. Gisele Bunchen must watch out! Seriously.

What an incredible ceremony and the reception was unbelievable. Fairy Tale style. It was held at the Michaelangelo and everything was just perfect. The food was awesome, I tasted the best creme brulee EVER. Hahahah...I sound like I'm doing a review, don't I?

Now for the funny part... 2 of the 4 bridesmaids are pregnant. They are also identical twins , Nails and Twinkles, and 3 months apart. Nails is 7 months and Twinkles is 4 months.
8 people came up to me to congratulate me on my "pregnancy."
Say what?
I find it extremely disrespectful. I wouldn't ask ever, even if her water had just broken on the middle of the dance floor. It got so bad, even my man asked me if I wanted to change.
This one woman came straight up to, put her hands on my tummy and bent down with a "coochey coochey coo" and asked me ever so sweetly, "So are you due at the same time the twins are?"
My reply (ever so sweetly): "Nails is due in two months, Twinkles is due in 5 months and I'm not pregant, I'm obviously just fat!"
The look on her face was priceless. She immediately took her hands off my stomach as if I had just developed a contagious flesh eating disease, straightened up from talking to my stomach, mumbled an "Oh. Noooo you're not fat. Um.............Oh look, theres someone I haven't seen in years. Please excuse me!"
I have never felt so exhausted in my life...it's exhausting holding your stomach in for hours at a time.

The good thing, I think, was the fact that I caught Special K's bouquet and the man caught the Garter. Not rigged, oh so awesome and instant relief I didn't have to dance with some weird bachelor!
YAY!

The night was awesome... I'm so proud of my friend. She looked so gorgeous and happy and she's married a really wonderful guy, a gentleman! It was a fairytale!

Special K's wedding tomorrow

Blondie 2 and I have decided to go for cooking lessons. We need the basics though. No snide comments please. We've both realised that at 25 we suck at cooking.
It's really not on so we've decided we're going to find a course and make the aprons look hot! haha!
I have a small suspicion we may be thrown out. When we get together it's trouble so here's to crossing thumbs they put us on opposite sides of the class!

It's Special K's wedding tomorrow and I am extremely excited and a little nervous. I know! You'd think I'm the one getting married! I'm just so excited that my BF is getting married and honestly it's a little weird too.
I keep calling her Miss Special K...I have to take full advantage.
The bridesmaids are taking her for a lovely, calming dinner tonight and we want her to feel as relaxed and special as ever.
She has also asked me to be the MC for her wedding. Remind me not to joke around with future brides. While she has been the calmest bride around, I guess joking around 3 days before the wedding isn't fun.
I asked her what she was paying me, since MC-ing is part of my job description and most people pay for my services. I asked this, dead panned! KIDDING OF COURSE.
She stuttered: "Oh.oh.oh, w-w-well. I I I'm not sure what the budget is!"
WHAT?? I'm joking my angel!! Seriously kidding! Oh my God! I felt like the BEST friend ever!
She breathed a sigh of relief and started giggling. Phew! That's when I breathed my sigh of relief.

I went through the speech cards with her today and she asked me how I was going to deliver it, so I did:
Gooooood EVENING Ladiiiieeesss and Gentlemeeeeeen!! (Like I was announcing a boxing match)
We are here to CELEEEEBRRAAAAAAAAAAATTE Mr and Mrs. SPECIAL K'ssssssss WEDDDDDDDIIING!!!

She was mortified.

Come on!! I'm a funny girl, right? You know when I'm joking and kidding around, right?
Clearly not. Not when you're stressed.
So...remind me not to be "funny" with a future bride!

Eavesdropping

Yes, I know it shouldn't be done, but lets not kid ourselves. We all do it. I just happen to be really good at it. It's a skill, really, I can eavesdrop and carry on in my very own conversation.

Today I was at a coffee shop waiting for my mate. I did the usual, read the sugar packets quotes, went through my new cellphone, looked around a bit and then when all was done and the boredom had really set in, I decided to listen in on the table next to me.
Fascinating.
This woman had the best kugel accent I have ever heard in my life. I was waiting for her to start speaking normally, you know, as if she had been putting on the accent the whole time. Nope. It was legit. Let me put you in the picture. Bottle blonde woman in her 40's, mutton dressed as lamb in a leopard print top ( I couldn't even make it up if I tried), skinny black pants, lots of tacky gold jewellry and long french manicured nails. She was the walking billboard for a kugel. It was hysterical.
Kugel on cell phone: "Doll! You should have seen her job. Oh. Myyyy Gaaawwd!!! I swear it looks faaabulous!"
Pause.
"I knooow!! I mean her tit job is goooorgeous!!! Her nose is sooo much smalla. Ja! Just divine! Dee-vine!"
Pause , with a few Mmm's and Uh-huhs.
"I'm thinking of it heeey?? A little nip and tuck never hurt anyone. I say go girl!"
This conversation went on for a while.
I was very amused. I then heard the woman shriek with laughter. It was one of those shrieks that made the room whip around to see what the noise was all about.
I had to take a big gulp of hot coffee to prevent myself from laughing out loudly.
I obviously had to listen in again.
Kugel: "Oooh noooo! She has to take him for his millionssss! He gets the 25 year old bimbo bitch and she gets his cash. It seems fair to me! Uh- huh. Well, I never!!! Really?"
Another shriek of laughter.

I was almost sorry Special K joined me when she did. I was just starting to really get comfy. Hmmm...must bring popcorn with next time. It's tres entertaining.

PS> This is my 90th blog since I started Monday, 3rd December 2007. Can you believe it? Nearly 4 months and 90 blogs...I'd say that's pretty damn good!! ;-)

Admin sucks piles.

I hate admin. Especially when it shouldn't be done in the first place. I need to get a new ID book, drivers license, bank cards, sim card swop, new cellphone etc etc etc...
ARGH!!

I went to my bank this morning. It never occurred (stupidly) to me that I would need identification. I don't have any, so it wasn't on my mind. I only clicked when I stood in the longest queue. They couldn't help me. I had to go back home to find my passport which was (of course) not where it was supposed to be, so cupboards were emptied and I eventually found it.
I drove (nervously) back to the bank and stood in the Collection of Cards queue for 20 painful minutes. I finally got to the desk and I was told I was in the wrong queue. I had to apply first and then come back. I got all teary. WTF was that? I do not get teary about things like this. Pissed off, yes, but not teary. The bank manager saw my face and came over to help. I must have looked like a real little damsel in distress (hate that) because he helped me draw money so that I could actually buy food. It's become desperate times not having a bank card over a long weekend.
I am still waiting for the bank card. I collect it in 5 working days.

I then went over to my cellular provider to get a sim card. I also remember asking for insurance on my contract cellphone when I got the new phone a few months ago. Apparently they have never taken money off the account for insurance so I'm officially not insured. I blew a fuse. Yes. It's my fault I never checked the statement, but I know for a fact I sent off all the paper work. I remember because it was a ball ache, um.... if I had balls, they would ache. Ok so, they were adamant, I was adamant and we had a staring/ glaring competition until eventually I cried. AGAIN. Seriously? WTF?
I am just one ball of sobs lately.

I got the sim swop done and bought the cheapest phone I could find. I now need to tackle the home affairs and traffic department for my ID and license. You have no idea how excited I am about this. I am basically giddy with glee!
I'm about as excited as gagging myself over and over with a fork! Cannot WAIT!!

Post trauma and cocks... shuttlecocks.

I never thought I would be so affected by this. I am neurotic. No one can come near my car without me freaking out. I literally stop breathing and only let my breath out when they pass by. I have screamed at 2 guys who have dared come near my car. The one guy came right up to my car to give me those irritating little advertising flyers and I nearly had a heart attack and nearly got out my car to hit him!
I am NOT a violent person. I screamed so loudly, the dude nearly shat himself. Afterwards, I felt embarrassed that I had reacted so badly, but fuck that...it's bullshit this happened in the first place.
My hands tremble, clutching the steering wheel and even though my bag is now permanently in my boot, I still feel unsafe!
I have been getting some advice to go for trauma councelling. At first, I scoffed at the idea and immediately thought: Well, shit... I wasn't (God forbid/ Touch Wood) hi-jacked, raped, held up etc... a little smash and grab will be easy to deal with. See how bad our South African mentality is?
I'm going to contact someone tomorrow.

I'm working tonight. I'm petrified to drive home. I'll be ok. Well, that's what I keep telling myself. I am expecting 2 or 3 speeding fines and fines for going through red traffic lights. There is not a chance in hell that I'll be stopping (yes, I'll be cautious, yield and all that good stuff... I'm not going to be a blonde frantic woman screaming through red robots!)
Argh! I'm loving the way we have to live. I am a positive person and I LOVE South Africa, but unfortunately we have to be realistic.

I did have a relaxing long weekend though. I am also going to be letting a lot of women down by saying this: If I see another chocolate I may puke.
I have eaten worse than a pig ever could. I'm at the point where I'm craving veges. Woah!!!
I also played Badmington. Yes. Who knew it could actually make you stiff and sore the next day? I'm aching! I feel like I spent 24 hours in the gym.
It was also really awesome to shout out loudly and proudly: "Hit the cock!!" "Pass the cock!" and "Fuck this cock! I'm losing!"
Good times.

I'm scared

to get into my car. It's my little safe bubble. It's my space where I sing loudly and dance like an idiot in my car, forgetting people can actually see me. Why? Because it's my safe haven.

It got violated last night on my way home for work and without sounding too dramatic I'm lucky to be alive.
It was pissing down with rain and I was stuck in traffic. I had cars infront of me, behind me and next to me. I was alert at the red light and as I looked around me I noticed two men sitting in the rain. I looked around towards the other side and when I looked back again I saw the guy up against my window, cupping his hands and peering in. I, naive, gullible, stupid even, thought he was asking for directions. I didn't wind down my window; but I waved him off. He then begged for money and I FELT SORRY FOR HIM drenched in the rain etc. My handbag with MY LIFE IN IT was hidden under the seat. I bent down to get it out to give the guy some money when I noticed the second guy peering into my passenger backseat window. That sudden realisation as to what was happening was sickening and I felt the most unbelievable FEAR.
I started hooting and screaming, hitting my window to tell the guy to get away. He stepped away and then turned around and put his fist through my window and lurched into my car. The glass smashed into a million pieces and I screamed blue murder. My instant reaction was: "It's mine!" and grabbed my handbag. Stupid. He tried to slap me but I dodged out the way and that's when he reached into his jacket to either pull out a gun or a knife. I didn't want to find out so I let go and he pulled my handbag out of my window and ran. He would have hurt me or killed me for my handbag. My life was nothing to him. The realization fo that is something I cannot come to terms with.
Rain poured into the shattered window and I stopped at the BP Garage 200m ahead.
Shaking, crying and the realisation as to what had just happened sunk in. I got out my car and just started crying and shouting for anyone to help me with a phone. I panicked and nothing was rational.
A car had pulled up next to me and this guy, Joe ( I found out later) came to my rescue. He had been in front of my car. His radio had been blearing and the rain was loud. He couldn't see anything but he heard something and turned his radio off, that's when he heard my screaming through the rain. My throat is sore today from screaming so hard.
There were 4 other people who were smash and grabbed at the same spot.

I feel shocked and violated and traumatic. I have lost some incredible valuable things that I will never be able to get back, like the hand written letter I received from the Guide Dog Association when my puppy made it. I keep it in my wallet.
My wallet, cellphone, ID and Drivers, new sunglasses (I saved up for), work access tags, credit cards and bank cards, my entire make-up kit, which I had JUST restocked and more. Oh yes, I had also drawn my last few hundred rand. Pay day is the 25th and so I thought I'd draw it all so that I wouldn't need to constantly go to the bank. I'm broke now. I don't have a cent to my name.
It's not what I lost, yes it's fucking annoying, expensive to replace and time consuming like getting a new license and ID...it's the WAY it was taken from me.

I really didn't think I would be so affected by this. I am shocked, traumatized and angry! I am so petrified to get into my car and drive home tonight. Every time someone comes up to sell me fruit or hand me a flyer I freak out. I've been close to having a panic attack and I'm weepy all the time.
"They" always say you should have a plan and you should act in a certain way... there isn't any time to act out the "plan".

I reported everything and the Police Inspector actually described the place and person. What the FUCK?? Apparently this happens all the time and it's a Smash&Grab HOT SPOT. A fucking SIGN is going to go up to warn people. Thanks a fucking lot!
While I was reporting the incident, 3 other people arrived to report the same thing. They had been hurt. I was lucky.
That also makes me angry...our South African mentality is shit. Gosh I am so lucky I wasn't killed, yes BUT.... are we listening to ourselves?
We don't go to the police station to report an incident so that the police can go and find the assholes and arrest them...NO. We report incidents because we need a case number so we can blacklist our phones and stop sim cards from being used.
It's messed up.

I'm ranting and getting this all off my chest, because I am angry and I'm upset and I'm petrified.

On a lighter note, I hope you get lots of Easter eggs, you're safe and blessed!

Fishy Weddings!?!

My favourite food is Prawns. God created the most delicious little creatures for me to dip into lemon butter sauce. They're just divine!
I know they're bottom feeders but let's just ignore that, ok?
I feel sorry for people who are allergic to shell fish or who simply don't like prawns. Your taste buds are missing out dudes!
We went to Jimmy's Killer Prawns last night and I was in my total element.
You will be not want to know me, be associated to me or even be near me when I eat prawns. Let's just say, the way I eat prawns makes eating saucy ribs look like an etiquette lesson at a Ladies Finishing School.
I will scar you for life and embarrass the shit out of you, if you are near me at the All You Can Eat Special.
*I'm salivating as I type this*

Today I went for the bridesmaid dress fitting for Special K's wedding. It's beautiful! We have a lovely friend who wants her friends standing up for her on her wedding day, to look gorgeous, not frumpy with bows and puffy sleeves. She's a doll!

I just cannot believe Special K is getting married. I just can't. She's my closest friend, my drinking buddy, my confidant, shopping stylist, business partner, the list goes on and now she's getting married. I know nothing will change from that, but it's weird to think that next weekend she will be a Mrs.
I'm so proud and excited for her. It's so awesome to see two incredible people, so in love getting married.
I know they're going to be happy and have gorgeous sprogs. *Sigh*
Aw, I'm so damn happy for them. I am also making a speech and I don't know how I'm not going to choke up!
Oh dear!

Oh and now to embarrass myself royally. Last Saturday, the man and I went to the mall to get some things (as you do.) I was in one of those cheeky moods. You know? Good mood, feeling funny and happy. I casually but cheekily walked past American Swiss and said: "Oh. My engagement ring is in there."
Now we have this weird thing where we tease each other. Hard to explain.
I was expecting him to roll the eye balls and walk faster.
Instead, he stopped, looked at me and said: "Ok. Let's see."
What? No. I wasn't expecting that.
So I did. I showed him the gorgeous ring, but suddenly felt shy. Shy? WTF?
He looked at it and then asked the price. I had never actually looked at the price. I don't know why, I just hadn't.
The lady at the counter (all excited at the fact she could be making a sale...clearly motivated by commission) told us and I didn't think it was horrific. Don't get me wrong...it's still a lot of money, but in comparison to some rings I've seen, I didn't think it was too bad.
I saw my man's colour in his face drain and his eyes enlarge. "How much?"
Oh fuck. This is not how this was supposed to go. It was supposed to be cute and funny, right? WRONG.
I'm not going to put the price here, because I'm now doubtful as to whether I'm being outrageous.
My man looked at me with this look that said: "Seriously? You expect me to pay this amount of money? Oh. MY. GOD!"
I was now saying (too quickly): "Oh you know... it's not really what I'm expecting, you know. It doesn't really suit me."
We both knew I was lying. I was saying this straight after I had been crazy/dreamy-eyed about the ring.
It just went downhill from there.
He then muttered that he would never be able to afford that. Well didn't I just feel like the best girlfriend in the world? I was having the BEST TIME EVER!!
Fuck.
The situation was lightened up abit, when the sales woman (looking all eager. Too eager, you know, with the fake smile that must have been hurting her cheeks by now) asked if we would be taking it.
He said to her (deadly serious): "Um. It's not exactly what I'm looking to spend. I was wondering...um... do you have any ring for about R600; R700?"
The sales lady looked startled: "Um. No sir. You wont find an engagement ring for that price sir."
She gave me a sympathetic look that said: Shame! You poor thing.
We walked out killing ourselves laughing.
Phew. One way to alleviate a rather uncomfortable situation.
Gosh...what was meant to be cute and quirky turned out to be AWKWARD!

I don't have a title for this post...

Move over Nigella, Blondie here was quite the chef last night! My chicken was tender, the roast potatoes were crispy but soft in the middle and my chocolate mousse was fluffy!
I am proud I threw myself into the deep end. I know it sounds bizarre but I am not a fan of cooking. I can cook the basics, but when it comes to tricky dishes I freak out, go into a sweat and get.
I actually ENJOYED last night!
Oh and the best part....there were no left overs. Not even a pea. That's an excellent sign as far as I'm concerned.
Oh and we didn't drink wine in tea cups, we drank beer in tea cups. It was St. Paddy's day, it felt right.

I cannot believe Easter is coming up. Seriously. Didn't we just celebrate Christmas?
I guess it's true what "they" say: The older you get; the faster the years will fly by.
Fuck.
I am not even sure what we're doing for Easter. My man has a gig in Cape Town so I may join him, but I also may stay home and chill with my family and mates.

I'm going over to my man's mom tonight. She leaves for Spain on Tuesday. She's going for 3 months. How awesome is that? The Spain part not her leaving. I think I will have a great motherin-law one day. Oooh, did I just jinx things? Shit.

I'm cold, I'm eating chocolate = bad. This blog is also all over the place so I'm going to make myself some tea.

Is it possible...

to strain an eyeball?
I woke up yesterday... with a very sore eyeball. If I move my eye around, I have this pain in my eyeball socket.
I think I'm falling apart.

I went to the Pinkies Party on Saturday. It's basically a festival with free alcohol (yes, I know...it was crazy) and great South African bands like Evolver, Voodoo Child, Flat Stan and Prime Circle. Everyone has to wear pink and the outfits are crazy. It was really awesome but the weather stuffed it up a bit. We left at 8pm, drenched. I was wearing a pink feather boa. Have you ever smelt a wet feather boa? Yuck!

How shit is this weather? We're supposed to be in the middle of summer and I have vapour breath. It is so cold. 11 degrees today. I had to open up the Winter Cupboard and find something that isn't too creased.
It's been raining constantly now for 3 days. It hasn't stopped. Not for an hour or a minute. It's not even rain really...more like a constant fine spray that get's harder at times.
I feel like I'm sitting in the UK. I also finally get why poms drink so much tea. I'm a tea loving person as it is, but I can't quite explain it, drinking a hot cup of tea in this weather is awesome. I have no idea what it is, but drinking tea when it's grey, cold and rainy is so divine.

I am having a dinner party tonight! I am making my own fresh gravy, roast chicken (2 of them...their are lots of hungry boys) crispy roast potatoes, peas and freshly beaten chocolate mousse.
Wish me luck....I'm learning how to do all of this. So far so good, but I'm scared. Yes, I know you scoff, but I fear cooking. Really. Spiders, the dark and cooking.
I feel like I should be Bree from Desperate Housewives....oh except we don't have enough matching plates and not enough wine glasses so people will be drinking wine from tea cups.

I am quite excited though to serve and see people enjoy my food..... hopefully.
Hopefully, no one will be stopping by McDonalds on their way home!

Vomit and Nipples... charming.

I am feeling so nauseous today. No. I'm not pregant.

I even have a pharmacy delivering anti nausea tablets to the studio. ARGH. It is the worst feeling in the world.
Ok, the act of vomitting is the worst, but sitting here feeling my stomach churn, my throat close and trying to breathe deeply is so fun, I can't even tell you!

Oh and I was exposed today. Another fun thing.
I am wearing a boob tube and as I was late for an appointment this morning, I couldn't find the strapless bra, but I might as well take advantage of my 25 year old breasts, right? Before gravity sets in, right?
So there I am, the twins are feeling carefree when I see this guy look at me and smirk. Ok buddy. Weirdo.
Another guy tugs at his mates sleeve and points at me. The mate looks over and they have a look at me with amused smiles on their faces.
I looked down to see my boob tube had lowered itself to the one side so that my nipple was poking out! How the fuck did I not feel this?
I nearly had a heart attack and immediately raised the top and blushed. The men duly laughed and give me the thumbs up sign. They received the other finger!
Little Shits.

Fuck me, I feel dreadful.
I literally don't think I can puke anymore, but apparently I can. My medicine just arrived. Emex. For motion sickness and morning sickness. I have neither. Charming.

Well, nausea, it's the weekend. Ahem. Your timing is awesome! Now piss off so I can have a jol!

Have a fab weekend julle!

Bad luck babe!

I'm not really sure what my take is on LUCK.

I believe you create your own luck but also believe you have an element of luck too.
I'll say: Gosh I was lucky to escape such a terrible accident, but I wouldn't say I'm lucky to get a promotion when I worked hard etc.
Yes, I'm a firm believer in The Secret and that was before the popularity phase! I have always believed you need to be positive and believe in yourself. I have had this attitude since I was little.

Anyways, that's besides the point...I know this woman. She is strong and wonderful, but she is probably the unluckiest person around.
I honestly believe she needs to be blessed or cleansed (whatever makes her comfortable) because she is either cursed or has so much negative energy around her it's insane.

She got engaged to this guy even though his ex was 7 months preggers. She then fell preggers herself. They got secretly married and seem to be happy. However, she needs a restraining order against his ex because she keeps rocking up with baby and throws bricks through windows etc etc...
In the interim, they found out that he has a brain tumour. She is 7 months pregnant. He is being induced into a coma and they operate on him next week.
In the meantime, she has been rushed off to get her appendix removed. Not an easy task when you're pregnant. She's being operated on tonight.
Oh and she's being sued.

I just cannot believe how much one person is going through and I really don't mean to sound insensitive but it makes your and my problems seem tame in comparison.

I really hope things get better because it makes you wonder how many things someone can take!

It's the worst when:

• You need the loo desperately and only when there is relief, you reach over to find no toilet paper.
• You walk into a public bathroom where there is no queue (amazingly) but all the stalls are occupied/out of order. The only stall left is the stinkiest, vomit enticing stall but desperation takes on a new level. You hold your breath and pee as quickly as possible. Of course, when you walk out of the stall there's a queue of ladies who all look at you like the stench is your fault!
• You have wet hair and half a face of make-up, getting ready for a serious, glamourous function when the electricity goes off.
• You eat well and exercise well only to stand on the scale and see you've gained 2 kgs. (Muscle gain, my ass.)
• You find the perfect dress/top/shoes/ skirt/pants and when you go to find your size they have every size but yours.
• Gorgeous, well dressed men are, 8 times out of 10, gay.
• Running out of shampoo when you're already in the shower.
• you're broke.
• Getting stuck in the worst traffic on your way to probably the most vital meeting of your career.
• you lend your dad your cellphone and he discovers raunchy sms' you sent and received.
• you receive an email from someone about another someone to bitch about...only to press reply and it goes through to the person you're both bitching about. There's no going back (this happened to a girl friend of mine)
• (this came from a guy friend) His girlfriend went to a party he couldn't go to, but a couple of his work mates were there. The next day in the office the guys are talking about this blonde woman at the party who looked like a high class hooker. It was his girlfriend.

Those are a few of mine... any takers?

Playing with balls...

Yes, yes you dirty minded people!

I'm talking about tennis balls!! Last night I went over to a mate of my man's last night to have a braai and play tennis. I haven't picked up a racket in years....YEARS!!

The fact that I managed to hit the ball was amazing. The fact that I managed to hit the ball in, was even more amazing.
What an incredible stress reliever. I really needed that!
I pounded that poor yellow ball a few times until it got revenge. Rockstar (so, so bad at tennis. Entertaining, but BAD!) and my man (really need a name for him) were hitting the balls around!
We decided to play a game of doubles. All of a sudden Rockstar became Pete Sampras and smacked the perfect ace...into my groin. I doubled over from the stinging pain. My poor pubic bone. All I saw were the 3 guys instantly grab their groins and say: "Ooooh!!!!"
I eventually managed to squeak: "You're lucky I'm not a guy and at least it wasn't my boob!"

I have a beautiful blue bruise. It's just sexy I tell you. S-E-X-Y!

I'm feeling better today. I don't mean to sound dramatic but unfortunately what happened is dramatic and quite serious. I'm glad I've got to the bottom of things, I just can't believe I had to, in the first place.
Horrible, just horrible. I wish people could just be happy for each other instead of trying to rule others lives.
Oh and in other news...haha!

I had my measurements taken for the bridesmaid dresses for Special K's wedding.
There are 4 bridesmaids. Identical twins, J and I. The twins are also 2 months a part in their pregnancy. Imagine my absolute horror when they measured my waist, wrote down the measurement and I noticed I am 2cm bigger than the twin who is 4 months preggers! Um, WTF? Seriously?? I'm not big am I? Holy shit!
Fuck that! I'm hitting the gym and eating apples and drinking water from here on out!!

Shit weekend

I have just about had the worst weekend of my life. I'd rather eat glass than go through this.

I just don't understand jealousy, or the need to ruin people or their relationships with people. Just because you're not happy doesn't mean you can hurt someone else so they too can be miserable.

Rumours are dangerous things and they can destroy. My question is: What are you trying to accomplish?

In this case, sweetheart...where there is smoke there is zero fire. Not one spark or one flame.

Did you think I was stupid enough not to find out? Did you think I would just lie down, crumble and die?
Did you honestly think I wouldn't do some investigating...oh and when I did, how funny that the story changed.

I've cried my tears but you can't beat me. I'm stronger and we're stronger than you think!
I don't get your silly little game. Get a hobby and be miserable somewhere else.

Domestic Bliss

I cannot tell you how happy I am to have a domestic worker again!

I was furious with my last one in December (Mad at the Maid) and have had a nightmare trying to find someone new and reliable!

It's been 3 months now and I have FINALLY found her...her name is Patty (short for a name I cannot pronounce, but I'm working on it) She is, in my opinion, my black Mary Poppins. She smiles constantly, hums while she works and managed to get EVERYTHING done. She even rearranged my lounge, which ordinarily would piss the crap out of me *hmmm...don't think that's possible* but she actually made the place look amazing and has given us more space.

She's excellent.

There is nothing better than coming home to a clean home, fresh, ironed clothes and clean cups for tea and sparkling surfaces, grime free showers and windows I can see out of. Woohoo!It's not that I don't keep things tidy...OK...I don't do a great job, but it's awesome! It's the small things, you see?

I'm done with the graveyard shifts now and am very happy to get my body clock back to normal!

I have a 30th tonight at Cubana and super excited to party it up. I plan to drink plenty of dacquiri's and rip up the dance floor! I also have the cutest dress I want to christian ;-) Good times!

Zzzzzz

I'm fucking exhausted.

Age is just a number, right? RIGHT?

I am not a judgemental person. If you're a regular, you'll know I always put myself in other peoples shoes...I'm stumped though. I actually can't do it this time.

We have these family friends we've known for years! There eldest daughter is a year older than I am and their youngest daughter (let's call her X because I am that original) is the same age as my sister (21 turning 22). In fact, we all go way back to primary school.

Well, at my sisters graduation on Tuesday, we all bumped into each other, which was so lovely considering we haven't seen them in a while. I noticed her parents and one of her dad's friends.
Something seemed amiss though. They all seemed to be awkward around each other. X seemed to be distant from her parents.
I didn't think too hard about it. We had the lovely ceremony and then there were refreshments afterwards.
Again, it struck me as odd that X didn't come up to her parents afterwards and be congratulated or be in the photographs etc etc...

The next minute X disappears. Mrs. X comes up to my mom and I and she looked all weepy. She whispered to us: "Do you see that guy standing over there?"
She pointed at Mr. X's friend standing talking to X.
"Well," she continued. "They're dating. They have been for 4 months and our lives have been turned upside down."
Well my mom and I do not get the award for TACT, but our reactions were certainly HONEST!
I mean holy shit! Here is a 53 year old guy dating a 21 year old.
To make things even worse, this guy is a friend of the fathers...he has been a family friend since X was born and practically watched her grow up.
Oh and if that still isn't bad? His 21 year old daughter is best friends with X! Although I can't imagine they would be anymore.

I'm sorry to be judgemental but COME ON!! What the hell is this 53 year olds intentions with a 21 year old...a 21 year old you have family history with.
Something is wrong.

Her parents are besides themselves and the problem is they've sat down with the guy plenty of times trying to talk to him and the more they talk to X, the more she gravitates towards this creepy old dude.

My mom and I felt like total shit because of the way we reacted while this poor woman (normally very strong) broke down.

I haven't stopped thinking about it.

An email joke I couldn't resist sharing:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be
super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I
take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant re plied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

Pissing on the Petrol hike

As a little girl I used to believe that when there was a thunderstorm, God was angry. The thunder was him shouting at us and the rain was his tears. Well tonight, He was furious! :-)

The rain was insane and you know that loud, jump-out-of-your-skin thunder? Well I have never heard anything like this before. That loud scary thunder was bursting out in 20 second intervals. It was unbelievable. It felt like it went on forever.

All of this was carrying on while I was trying to catch a few Zzzz's before the graveyard shift this morning. Just as I fell asleep, BANG! I nearly shat myself.

We've taught our boy (our amazing dog) to bark at thunder and loud bangs, so that he is never scared of loud noises. Well I thought he was going to hyperventilate! He was going beserk. Poor thing!

I am also severly pissed about the petrol price hike. Holy shit! We're now paying over R8 for 1 litre of petrol. Um...it's all good and well to increase the price, but my salary doesn't get raised does it?

Let's be honest. Car pools (great in essence) but very unpractical.

I'd like to see a mate of mine take me to work at midnight and fetch me at 5am. Ha!

I was on empty this afternoon but I took one look at those petrol station queues yesterday evening and decided I'd wake up a little earlier to get to a station before midnight. Ha again!

Blondie here arrived at 00h06. Charming.

Sheer Exhaustion

I'm fucking exhausted. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but my body clock is stuffed! I can't seem to get my body to sleep at 8pm. I only start to fall asleep at 10h30 and then my alarm clock goes off at 11h30.

I'm in the office by 00h30 at home by 05h30 and then today I had my sisters Graduation at the University of Johannesburg. So proud of my little sis! Thank God my mom called me this morning, if she hadn't I would have slept the whole way through. I was late though in waking up, showering, styling hair, ironing dress and getting to UJ.

I raced through and found my family waiting in the photograph queue. We had the family pic and she looked so cute, I mean grown up, in her gown, holding her degree.

Did I mention I'm proud?

The ceremony wasn't too tedious, but I did doze off at a stage. I only woke up when my chin hit my chest. I opened my eyes to a very bright room and lots of people. I suddenly wondered if people had noticed, maybe my mouth had been open (I have a tendency to sleep with mouth WIDE open and trust me, I've tried to keep it closed.) What if I had started snoring a little?

Ok, well I know my mother would have shaken me but it could have happened.

Oh dear.

I am now back at work. I'm sticky from this heat and just exhausted.

I've had about 6 hours of sleep since Sunday. *YAWN*

I'm tired of...

the games.

I wish life was as simple as a game of scrabble or solitaire. It's not. People play games all the time. Games are played in relationships, work places, you name it really.

I was having a quick lunch out in the sunshine yesterday when I heard this woman at the table next to me, lean back in her chair and sigh: "I'll just have to play the game then, won't I?"

It's exhausting isn't it?

Why can't we just be? Why can't we be happy for people and genuinely happy for people? Why can't we all just realise that what you can do, I can't necessarily do and vice versa? Why can't that be OK, instead of it being a jealousy thing? Why can't we accept that there is enough to go around for everyone?Why can't people be satisfied? Does everyone need to be better than the other? Have we become that greedy?

It can be exhausting. I wish I was like Hiro in the series: Heroes. I would love to just freeze time so that I could take a breather.

When did life, love and work get so complicated?

Phones and dead animals..say WHAT?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Alexander Graham Bell. You little beauty you. You changed my life in everyway! Love you madly :-)



I went to the opening of the new club: MOVIDA.

It's lovely and luxurious. Very Moulin Rouge...which happened to be playing on the big screens.

Had so much fun. Not so much on Sunday, but it was well worth it. It was also the first time my heels didn't kill me. They're a keeper.



Oh what was extremely funny, was to see this girl, beautiful little thing with gorgeous lush brunette hair. My girlfriends and I were admiring her locks when she started dancing furiously. Not to be bitchy. Ok, a little bit, she was dancing like a mad woman. I was concerned she might tear something.

Well, the next minute we started to see her luscious locks moving slowly but surely down her back. At first we thought we were seeing things. Her hair appeared to be growing right in front of our eyes. Until it "grew" all the way out of her head. It looked like small dead animal had just fallen from her head.Her luscious locks weren't so luscious anymore. Her hairpiece had come out from her frantic dancing. She noticed and immediately swooped down picked it up and stuffed it into her bag...it was a small clutch so she had a hairy bag.
I nearly wet myself laughing. OK, that IS bitchy but shit it was funny.

I'M early and IT'S awake....

I've just arrived at work. Yup. It's 00:30. I'll be going home when everyone is going to work. It's always slightly thrilling to go against the grain of the traffic flow. Everyone is dresses in fresh suits, cups of coffee in their car's cup holder and they move slowly but surely to their offices. Not Blondie. By that time I'm the opposite. I'm shaky and a little high strung from the 18th cup of coffee, my eyes burn and the sun is far too bright.

I'm working these "graveyard hours" for the week. I really am thankful it's just a week because shit, talk about messing with your body clock! I'll just get used to getting to bed by 8pm and waking up at midnight that when things do go back to normal, I'm yawning at 8pm and wide awake between 1 and 4am.
It's lovely. Really.

*Yawn*

I am not usually a coffee drinker, more of a "cup o' tea" gal. But lemme tell you, nothing, nothing beats coffee at 1am. I love them coffee beans and their lovely aromas and lovely little perks they bring (excuse the pun.)

I'm on my 4th cup and I'm only starting to feel the affects now! I am that tired.I can't really afford to be. I have to be on my game. I have to be alert and brilliant. *Come on body. Come on!*

OK...I have to concentrate now...Blog later when it's a decent hour!

x